1. Ahhh.. scenic, mosquito infested Florida. The duly elected geniuses in power have determined that you can ride without a helmet (should you be a moron) and that's OK... but if you have your license plate displayed incorrectly ... you're a minion of Satan. In case you are thinking about visiting the sunshine state... here's Florida's New License Plate law in all it's Orwellian glory.. The plate must be at least 18" above the ground, be centrally located, be mounted horizontally, not vertically, be rigidly mounted, and be clearly visible from any angle behind the motorcycle. This means that plates mounted forward of the rear wheel, or on either side of the motorcycle, are in violation of the law. Basically, the plate needs to be in its original location. Also, if a plate is mounted on a pivoting hanger it is in violation of this vehicle code. The first time violation of this code is a fine of $1,141.00. The second infraction costs $2,500.00, the third costs $5,000 and loss of motorcycle license endorsement for 10 years. Does this suck? or what?

2. If you are looking for a decent looking aftermarket windshield for your K1200R Sport.. Here's something new from Wunderlich Scroll down to the Sport Screen K1200R Sport.. Part Number: 8110127 @ $185.00. Looks pretty good. Comes in clear or tinted. I see they also have a few other choice items for the out-of-production Sport including some aluminum instrument rings and some bar end mirrors. Thx, Forrest

3. Do you have a baboon ass yet you weren't born a baboon? Then you must me a K1200S owner. I feel ya. I replaced the abomination of a stock K1200S taillight on my bike as soon as there was an alternative on the market. I've slept better since and can finally achieve full erections again. I bring this up as I'm sure there are many K1200S owners suffering from ED... hoping and praying that the new K1300S tail light which is both brighter AND actually attractive will fit on to their K1200S.. Well I hate to break the bad news but no.. they are NOT interchangeable. The connections are different. The K12 has, as you know, three connectors going into the tail section. The new one has a one-piece snap-in connector. I assume this has to do with the fact that the K1300S tail light has LED's. Sometimes life just ain't fair... and there is always Viagra.

4. Hate the K1300S tail rack? Wondering if the K12S handles fit the K1300S? Yes they do!.. the handles swap. Pretty much everything on the new bike can be swapped with the old (other than the main/side fairings). A customer also told me he pulled the nav and saddlebags right off of the K1200S and they went on perfectly on his new K1300S.

5. If you've ever dealt directly with Kisan.. (Tail Blazer, Vectralight, Signal Minder, etc, etc,) you might have spoken with Fulke Eagerton... Great guy.. Positive attitude. Always helpful. A man among men. Just got the following word from him.... "It is with sadness I have to let you know I will not be working with Kisan any more. As of March 1st I will be traveling with my family and expect to move to VA or CA ! It was a great ride, and I have all the faith in the world for Kisan in the future. I have decided to spend time with my grandson, Dante and slow down a bit ! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the support and business you have sent my way in the past." Best wishes, Fulke. Live long and prosper.

6. The all new Laser Stealth HotCam 2 is finally in the states. (See blurb below). It's available in an extremely light-weight full carbon fiber version only. To hell with Viagra. If this doesn't give you a chub then you should donate your eyes to someone who can appreciate them. I'll probably try one of these on my own bike. Pirates' Lair is the first to have them. These will fit the K1200S, K1200R, R Sport, and the 2006-08 K1200GT. The same kit fits all these bikes. A removable silencer comes with each kit.

7. FYI, Valentine One users.. There ia an update available if your unit has V3.3 or earlier software. In Virginia V3.6 and earlier may not fully set off an alert in pop mode. The newer V3.861 loaded V1 with Ku turned on detects radar and the only slightly older 3.6 does not. Check your unit here:http://www.valentine1.com/upgrades/

1. O, Canada.. Et tu, Brute?: Part 2.. In our Oct/Nov Cheesy newsletter I went off on a rant about how some of our Canadian customers were refusing to pay their customs fees on orders they had received from us. Those fees got kicked back on us. Amber had to track those customers down and we eventually recouped our doubloons. As all our Canadian customers know, these fees are NOT included in our pricing and are told as much prior to us shipping.

Due to the aforementioned Canadian apathy and the resulting headaches for Amber, we made a tough biz decision to actually stop offering ground service to Canada and for the last few months we've ONLY offered the super expensive FedEx Express. We hate taking such draconian measures as we have a lot of conscientious Canadian customers who choose not to ass-rape us, but we simply had no choice and in reality.. we shouldn't have been forced into that position in the first place. Unfortunately, I mistakenly thought that this would nip the problem in the bud.. I was wrong.

In the last few weeks we have received no less than 8 new notices from FedEx claiming again that many Canadian express customers are refusing to pay their customs fees resulting in a total of over $1100.US fees kicked back on us. Geezz. This really hurts. Not only our pocket books, but our feelings as shipping internationally is a major pain in the ass. Most US companies don't do it yet we go out of our way to accommodate our fellow riders. You know what's really strange? We ship as many products to Europe and Australia and Japan as Canada yet not one European .. not one Australian .. not one Japanese has ever tried to fuck us like this and I know for a fact that their duties are every bit as Orwellian as Canada's if not worse. . I just do NOT understand what the deal is with some Canadians..

3. Now that the new BMW's are showing up in dealer showrooms around the world and subsequently, garages all over the US.. you knew it was just a matter of time.. FYI...our K1300S Product Line is up. Resistance was futile. I'm also working on our K1300GT Product Line. Any suggestions as to things you'd like to see on our menus would be appreciated.

4. We now carry Verholen Bar Risers for the new K1300GT..

5. We now carry the Throttlemeister for the new K1300S.

6. We just got a rare shipment of SILVER Pirates Lair Torque Arms... These will fit your K1300S, 2005-08 K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, K1300GT, or 2006-08 K1200GT.. Each comes with the stylish Pirates Lair logo lovingly engraved on the visible side. Each will guarantee attention from the apposite sex..and occasionally from the same sex.

7. We now carry Ducati 1098 License Plate Relocators made by Evoluzione . Simple and ultra-lightweight,The Ducati 1098 has one of the best looking asses out there, discounting Angelina Jolie, of course. Why have that "fugly" rear fender cluttering things up when you can have simplicity and beauty personified with this kit? Install is under 1 hour. That's about how long it took me to do mine.. And unlike other license plate relocator kits on the market, the Evo Kit allows the customer to retain the blinkers.. as God intended. Fits Ducati 1098, 1098S, 1098R, 1198, and the 848..

8. The all new Laser Stealth HotCam 2 is finally in the states. (Click pic at right). It's available in an extremely light-weight full carbon fiber version only. To hell with Viagra. If this doesn't give you a chub then you should donate your eyes to someone who can appreciate them. I'll probably try one of these on my own bike. Pirates' Lair is the first to have them. Web page is up and we are taking orders now.. These will fit the K1200S, K1200R, R Sport, and the 2006-08 K1200GT. The same kit fits all these bikes. A removable silencer comes with each kit.

Note: I have no idea how true this is, and I admit it might be a savvy marketing ploy, but I have been told this is a Limited Production Special Offer from Laser and that only 50 units would be brought into the US. If that's the case.. they'll sell like crack in Harlem. Consider yourself warned. Last I heard there were 18 left available.

9. I've been asked dozens of times why we don't carry aftermarket clutch and brake levers. Honestly, I've seen most everything out there and except for the Wunderlich...none really gave me wood. Until now. FYI.. we just picked up a new product for our quasi-esteemed BMW customers. Synto Brake and Clutch Levers which are as beautiful as they are functional. Produced in Germany by the same people that produce the Wunderlich, the Synto Levers are better than anything I've seen in the US market including Pazzo, CRG, etc.. Fully adjustable 6 positions so getting the ergos right on your bike has never been easier. 6 colors to choose from for levers and adjusting wheel. Mix and match! Silver, Gold, Blue, Black, Red, & Titanium. . Not cheap, but look at it this way.. If I don't get your money.. congress will and at least if you buy these you'll have something to show for it. Fits every model year K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, 2007-08 K1200GT, R1200GS, R1200GS Adventure, R1200R, R1200S, R1200ST, and HP2 Enduro. Not sure if these will fit the K1300's yet.

How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have (2) new contributions this month ..Woohoo!! Check out #140, contributed by Sir Richard Johnson of Portland Oregon and #141 contributed by Bob Hamlin of Rockville, MD

Could these tips save your life? Dare you NOT look?

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-thousand page website.. I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new offering this month from Sir Kevin Hoffberg over at his Mid-Life Rider website... Check out his How-To Install a Bags Connection Engage Tank Bag. It's the first listing on the page. Installation was on a K1200GT. Thx Kev. Well done.

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro