Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: May / June 2021 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... .. A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

There is a general whoop and hubbub as Little Bill turns back to his conversation at the bar with Charley, Fatty, Clyde, Andy and WW Beauchamp. He's giving orders and making plans as to how they'll divide up into 4 parties an' hit all the farms an' trails in a circle. Little Bill is suddenly conscious of his own loud voice in a sudden silence that has swept the bar like a brush-fire and turning he sees what everybody is staring at Munny, with his ten-gauge shotgun leveled from the shoulder, is standing thirty feet away in the doorway. Taking a couple of sideways steps to get the door from behind his back and sweeping the twin barrels in an ominous arc, he surveys the scene

Will Munny: Who's the fellow owns this shithole? [pause]
Will Munny: You, fat man. Speak up.
Skinny Dubois: Uh, I... I own this establishment. I bought the place from Greeley for a thousand dollars.
Will levels the shotgun, and speaks to someone standing behind Skinny
Will Munny: You better clear outta there.
Man: Yes, sir. [scampers out of the way]
Skinny looks from side to side as people step away from him and he wants to say something desperately, he wants to live, he wants...
Little Bill: Just hold it right there. Hold it...!
BAH-WHOOM! Munny fires and smoke belches. .Skinny is blown back against the wall and falls to the floor a bloody mess. Little Bill is reaching for the Spencer which is leaning against the bar near his leg but he freezes. Munny has turned the shotgun on him. Munny sees Ned's Spencer there and his eyes show how he feels about it. For a moment while the smoke clears the bar is silent and there are nervous glances cast at the bloody body of Skinny but Little Bill keeps his eyes on Munny. Screaming, the women scatter upstairs.
Little Bill: Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!
Will Munny: Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend.
Little Bill: You'd be William Munny out of Missouri. Killer of women and children and reader of the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter.
Will Munny: That's right. I've killed women and children and read that cheesy newsletter. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill,... for what you did to Ned.

William "Bill" Munny .. Clint Eastwood / Little Bill Daggett.. Gene Hackman .... The Unforgiven 1992

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled World

Picture Of The Month! Malibu View.. (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our May/ June POTM was contributed by professional stuntman Chris Tardieu who lives in Playa del Rey, Ca. He says of the photo.. " The day was warmer than expected and the sky was bright and blue. Not a cloud to be seen. Time for a quick tour through Malibu. i took this photo on my Samsung Galaxy A50 phone up at the top of Piuma Road looking out into the vast Pacific Ocean. the sea looked as peaceful as a pool and visibility was an easy 50 miles in any direction. the temperature was about 70 degrees. as perfect it could be for a north American winter's day. I absolutely love this bike even if it is 15 years old with 30,000 miles. it rides splendidly. i foresee many gorgeous and extended days in the saddle of this Bavarian beast, and a blitzkrieg on the mountain roads of southern California... "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots or send me a link if you've already uploaded them somewhere. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GSs for God's sake.

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Bet You Didn't See That Coming! Remus Austria Severs Ties with Remus USA

I recently got back from a long weekend trip to Nashville all relaxed and ready to get back to work to find a gut-punch email from Patrick at MaxMoto.. aka.. Remus USA. FYI... we've been buying Remus exhausts from them for over a decade. The sale of their exhausts make up a significant part of our profits. The email simply stated that without warning, Remus Austria has severed all contact them.. the lone US importer. They had no warning. Never saw it comin'. Bam.. Here's the info we received...

4/26/21: Hello REMUS Partners, We share this news with a heavy heart. Effective immediately, we will no longer be the distributor for REMUS Exhaust here in the USA. We were notified yesterday by our headquarters in Austria that they are terminating our business relationship. We were not given any forewarning on this and as you can imagine this caught us by surprise. There had been some issues with sourcing product for about 6 months and we understood that there were production delays and logistics issues due to Covid, but obviously there were other things happening behind the scenes that we were unaware of.

We have had such a loyal and professional dealer network that we have established over the past 20 years (including Pirates Lair) and we are so appreciative of all that you have done over those years promoting the brand and making it what it is today. I made many great friends over the years and hope to continue those relationships in a different capacity. We are sorry for the inconvenience, but this news was dropped on us in the past 24 hours and is effective immediately. We had no chance to plan for this and take care of those who have supported us over the years. Going forward, any warranty related issues will also have to go directly through the factory. We were not provided with much info, but believe that a larger distributor will be chosen to distribute here in the US. I do not have any additional info on that and once again you would need to contact the factory if you would like to continue to offer the products. It has been a great run and once again thank you all for your support and efforts over the years. I hope to continue to work with everyone in the future and wish you all continued success if your endeavors. Thank you again and take care!! The REMUS USA team.

As of today, while I feel really bad for my friends at Remus USA, there is a silver lining in all this.. We (Pirates Lair) have been and will continue to import Remus exhausts directly from Europe. We've been getting the non-approved Remus exhausts (banned in Kaleefornia due to their feel-good green-laws) for a few years now. I've already notified my source in France that we're now (by default) the only vendor in the US that will be carrying Remus.. at least until Remus Austria finds another US company to do their bidding.

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The King And I On a Midnight Ride

I've been riding for over 50 years and seen a lot of crazy shit while on the road. Everything from airplane crashes to tornadoes. Now and then I think these incidents are worth writing down . I shared the following story (one of my favorites) with the guys at I-BMW.com a decade ago, but have never mentioned it in the 20 years of these most holy newsletters. Thought I'd dust it off and fill some space here. I swear the following is true and it’s definitely "hair raising." … Enjoy


Long ago when this pirate was young, stupid, and had a enviable head of hair .. it was a hot, mid-summer Nashville night and I couldn't sleep. I decided to take my Kawasaki 750 GPZ Turbo (then the fastest production bike on the planet) for a midnight ride around town on the interstate loop. In the summer it’s about the only time of day you can ride in Nashville and not melt.

There were almost no cars on the road  in the early hours of the morning and fewer cops. Clear sailing for us speed junkies. On this particular night I was on the far side of town and all alone on I-65 except for a single car up ahead. A 70’s Corvette.  He’s in the fast lane far to the left of the 5 lane section. As I get a little closer I see that it’s a T-top  with the top wide open and on the passenger side of the car I see long blond hair billowing out the right side window and the top. I mean.. looong blond hair. Sweet.

My first thought was.. It‘s gotta be a gorgeous babe. An image of Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C. pops into my head. So what to do in order to impress? Plan formulated, I’m going to clandestinely close the distance between us…pull up along side.. kinda close.. glance over .. give her a nod .. then light up the turbo and let them see what godlike power really looks like…Vette guys are generally posers anyway.. Who better than I to taunt him in front of his sexy lady friend?

So.. I slowly close in on them …I pull up alongside dead even with the car matching their speed … I'm about 5 feet away.. Closer than I should have been, but I wanted to get a good look at the girl. I glance over and I'm eye to eye with a full grown male lion sitting in the passenger seat which instantly roars so loud that it scares me 3 full lanes over and almost off the road.. GEEZUS H!! I lessor man would have pissed himself..

I did NOT look back as I felt so stupid.. I just fired up the turbo and was gone..  No idea if the lion was impressed or not.. And no… I was not on drugs that particular night…

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I-BMW Reunion.. Pirates Lair Is Throwing Another Party!

It's been 13 years since Amber and I threw a party. Our last was in 2007 at a park near Lake Lure just east of Asheville. We had around 80 riders show up in spite of some brutal heat. Pretty damn sure a good time was had by all. Here's a link to pictures of that event.. For the last year or so I've been missing the I-BMW events and the dozens of friends and quasi-friends I've met through the former website. Call me nostalgic. In January I decided I'd do something about it. A plan to get the gang together for one last blow out before we've shuffled off this mortal coil.

As Amber and I just recently turned our 6 acres of mountain property into a "boutique" campground (see below), we think it would be a perfect place to host an event. That being said, if you were a I-BMW member, poster, or even a lurker, mark your calendar for Sat October 16th, 2021. If all the planets align, I'll little swaray will start around noon and end when the cows come home or someone starts talking politics. Generally the leaves are in full color that time of year and the gravity is on the seasonal wane. The weather should be cool-ish for excellent riding with little chance of rain.

Our property has plenty of parking space for bikes, cars, trailers, etc. Like all past I-BMW events or the last two Pirates Lair parties, there will be no entry fees. No hoops to jump through. No waivers to sign. No oaths of fealty. We just want our friends to show up, eat some burgers, hang out for a few hours, then get the fuck out. Interested? Let me know so we can start making plans as to how much hamburger, hotdogs, and caviar we'll be needing. I should add.. this isn't a designated "motorcycle" rally. We don't care if you ride or drive.

I'll be posting updates in upcoming newsletters and at theRiderspace chat site..

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Paradise Ridge Campground: Right Off the Blue Ridge Parkway

Amber and I bought 6 acres of mountain property just east of Asheville, NC a dozen or so years ago. We chose this location, just 8 minutes from the Blue Ridge Parkway, as it's my favorite place to ride. We've slowly been making improvements to the property in preparation for inviting friends and family over and eventually building our retirement home on it. Landscaping, clearing brush and thinning trees, a barn for Amber's horses, a fire pit, picnic tables, a shower, outhouse, and a covered gazebo with fireplace..

A couple of years ago Amber had an idea to recoup some of our monthly expenses by allowing campers to pitch their tents on our beautiful plot of paradise. Asheville is a huge tourist destination. Wish I had thought of it!.. Anyway, this last fall we started taking reservations via the HipCamp.com website. So far we've had dozens of campers stay with us and we're getting rave reviews. Now that we've worked through the learning curve of discerning what campers need and/or want, we're ready to spread the word and offer invites to our quasi-esteemed newsletter readers.

You can get most of the booking information and directions off the (admittedly lacking) Hipcamp website. We offer 4 wooded camping spots plus a wide open grassy pasture for parking RVs, vans, campers, trailers, or buses. We are (of course) motorcycle friendly. We offer on-site security from dusk till dawn, fire-wood for the fire pit, bottled water, shower access. Pets are welcome.

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. While I've never dealt with them personally, I feel it's my obligation to pass this info on. I've received a few complaints about Module Master at 2006 South Main St. Moscow, Idaho. The concertive word seems to be .. they are NOT the place you want to send an ABS Module for rebuilding.. One customer says.. " I finally got it back last week. It took nineteen months. I was told that the refurbishment of the ABS would cost $900. The final invoice was $2,200. " Ouch... Sounds like a certain snake-oil salesman who works out of Hootersville. I'll add.. I'm getting similar complaints about Berowra Automotive/GT Motorcycles in New South Wales, as well.

2. Windscreen Restoration BMW K1200R Sport

3.Montana legalizes motorcycle lane filtering... While I've never liked the practice... I have done it.. Legal or otherwise.. Good news for those in the "Big Sky Country."

4. Do loud pipes really save lives? Well.. with this newest test we have a definitive answer... LOUD PIPES: University research into loud pipes “myth.”

5. Still the best motorcycle song ever... Vincent Black Lightning... Richard Thompson

6. Looking for an inexpensive way to lower your K1600GT/GTL/Grand America, XR, RT, etc? We here it all the time. One of my customers pointed me to this little device which offers some relief. Rider Seat Lowering Kit - BMW S1000XR K1600GT R1200RT LC R1200GS LC R1250GS RT

7. In a rather unnerving move, Northumbria Police (in the UK) and Crime Commissioner Kim McGuinness called on the government to “urgently introduce” a law that would make the installation of tracking devices mandatory for all motorcycles .. He added... we have nothing against law abiding motorcyclists. Just those who are outside the law... Riiiiiight.. That's pretty much the left's gun control argument used here in the USA... Later in the week he walked back his earlier statement claiming he meant he wanted trackers only for "off-road" bikes.. Uh huh..

6. Here's something tasty for the BMW R12R50RS and R1250R... A solo seat cowling by made by the German company Diopa.com. Yes.. it's expensive at $375Euro (around $450US) but it really is attractive. In fact.. I wish I'd thought of it myself.. If you go though their pictures you'll see it serves as a storage compartment, too.. Pretty sure these come un-panted so you'd be in for more money to have to painted to match your bike.. As expensive proposition.

7. This motorcycle lock stinks. Literally!

8. Ouch! When it rains.. it pours... Bad news for Harley-Davidson.. EU regulators planning massive tariff on Harley-Davidson. The European Union has announced plans for a (are you sitting..?) 56 percent tariff which would come into effect starting in June 2021. Ain't dat a bitch?! Harley is currently appealing..Damn.. That's brutal..

9. Politics / Alabama Senate Bill-357 Requires Reflective Helmets Under the proposed law, not only would wearing a helmet remain mandatory, but the helmet must also “…be equipped with reflective features for high visibility.” Ouch!! It's as if they don't have any real problems in Alabama.. Here's the full article in Adventure Rider...

10. As per the blurb above... MaxMoto.. aka Remus USA is no longer the designated importer of Remus Exhaust systems.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. As per the blurb above... it would appear that Pirates Lair is now the one and only US importer of Remus exhausts.. At least until Remus Austria finds another designated company to carry their product line.

2. New Product Alert! Wanna see something pretty?... Check out the all new Akrapovic Black Titanium Slip-On Exhaust System for the K16 Bagger / Grand America. It was developed for riders who want to make a change to the bike's look and sound with minimum modification. Ride in style with the Akrapovič Black Ti Slip-On exhaust system for the world's top-of-the-line BMW touring motorcycle. You will love its unique design, which is outstandingly executed using top-quality titanium canisters and carbon fiber outlet caps. Like every aftermarket exhaust available for the K1600 series, your O2 sensors remains plugged into your factory header. How does it sound? Fucking awesome.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

3. New Product Alert! Want to get rid of the catalytic converter on your 2019+ BMW R1250R & R1250RS? Are we not men? Be all you can be with an Akrapovic header kit for your 2019-2021 BMW R1250RS and R1250R. Choose from the finest titanium or stainless steel to upgrade your Akrapovič Slip-On to a full exhaust system. Stand out from the pack with more power, beautiful design, and the unique Akrapovič sound. Featuring exhaust valve for improved rideability in lower rpm. Stats for the Titanium headers- Power +3.5 HP at 7350 rpm / Torque +6.7 Nm at 2650 rpm / Weight -5.3 lb. Unleash the beast.

4. New Product Alert! Need to lower your shift lever, but the oem adjustment screw simply isn't doing it for you? Check out the Pirates Lair Adjustable Shift Lever Rod Extension. This little device may be what you've been looking for. Developed and manufactured for Pirates Lair here in the USA, our adjustable shift lever rod extension drops your shift lever down as much as 1". To date, we've learned that our little device fits the BMW K1300S, K1300R, K1200R, K1200S, K1600GT, K1600GTL, Grand America, and Bagger. We're assuming it'll fit many other BMW's. We simply don't have access to other BMWs to find out. Install takes about 20 minutes. Adjustments will take some trial and error, but the difference is worth it. You're welcome.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

I-BMW / Theriderspace.com Rally Event News : 2021
NOTE: Pirates Lair is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Kentucky Hill Country Rally: August 12-14, 2021

Location: Slade, Ky
The Lil Abner Motel & Cottages
When: Thurs thru Sat, August 12th thru 14th
Contact: (606)663-5384

This rally was arranged by former I-BMW members who now hang out at Ttheriderspace.com. The 2021 version of the Kentucky Hill Country Rally will be held August 12, 13, and 14 of 2021 at The Lil Abner Motel & Cottages in Slade KY. Lil Abner is located between the Red River Gorge and Natural Bridge State Parks. If you have any thoughts or desire to attend this function my advice is to book a room NOW. This motel is a prime point for hikers in both parks. It is also a big draw for reunions and weddings. The rooms go quickly and several months in advance. You have been warned.

Agenda: Meet. Ride. Talk, Eat. Ride. Talk. - Here's a link to the discussion at TheRidersPace You can find the latest information there.

I-BMW Reunion.. Pirates Lair Is Throwing Another Party! Oct 16th, 2021

Where: 122 Flat Top Mountain Rd, Fairview, NC 28730
When: Sat October 16th- Noon-Until....
Contact : 828-628-7093 or Pirate@acelink.net
Nearby Motel: Ramada by Wyndham Asheville Southeast

Been missing the old gang of deplorables? Me, too. Time for one last party. No stinkin' Chinese virus is gonna stop this event although bad weather might. Amber and I will be hosting this one-day event (our first since 2007) for former I-BMW members, posters, or lurkers. Guests are welcome. This will be held on our mountain property (Paradise Ridge Campground) just a few miles east of Asheville and 5 miles off the Blue Ridge Parkway.
If all goes as planned we'll have food, drinks, campfires, outdoor toilets, scantily clad jugglers, maybe even live music.

We don't care if you ride or drive. There will be plenty of parking although some of it may be in a grassy pasture. There are motels nearby if attendees want to overnight in the area. Limited on-site camping will be available. Bring your own intoxicants. More details to come. Check with us a week prior to the event to make sure we're still a go. These are crazy times, doncha know.


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps rolling joints, pissing people off on Facebook, and cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

Our last contribution was
.. How to replace the spark plugs on a Bmw k1300s. It's apparently easier than you think.

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues