Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA. Your name and email address will be safe with us into infinity and beyond.

Bad Santa

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: November / December 2016 .. Happy Holidays!!

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Buddy, who is human, but was raised by elves at the North Pole, innocently bursts in on his newly discovered dads business meeting where the worlds most prolific children's book writer (and little person), Miles Finch is trying to explain the concept of his new book. Buddy proudly proclaims.." Dad! I'm in love, I'm in love, And I don't care who knows it!... Then he notices the diminutive man at the other end of the table..

Buddy: I didn't know you had elves working here.
Miles Finch: Oh... boy, you're... you're hilarious, my friend.
Walter: He doesn't, uh... get back to
MIles Finch: The story.. All right, okay. [Clears throat] So, on the cover above the title...
Buddy: Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
Miles Finch: You know, we're all laughing our heads off.
Buddy: Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Walter: Buddy... go back to the basement.
Buddy: [thinking Miles is an elf] Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70 inch plasma screen. I get the latest Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter delivered in person by the scantily clad Amber. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.
Buddy: [after a pause] He's an angry elf.

Buddy / Will Ferrell.. Miles Finch / Peter Dinklage...Walter / James Caan .. .Elf (2003)


News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! The Lost Coast! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in our Picture of the Month spot..

Our November / December POTM was contributed by my good friend and second most interesting person in the world.. Charlie Wickliff.. .. aka "Kneedragger" over at I-BMW.com. He says of the shot... "About 20 miles north of Fort Bragg, CA Hwy 1 leaves the coastline and goes inland over a small coastal mountain range and terminates about 25 miles beyond at the intersection of 101 in Willits. Apparently, the highway engineers determined that the coastline at that point was too rugged to continue the highway on the coast. From that point north is known as the "Lost Coast", the longest stretch of undeveloped coastline in the lower 48. This is where Hwy 1 turns inland over the coastal range...

That 25 miles is absolute motorcycle nirvana... not a straight section in the road, very light traffic, and excellent pavement... as good as it gets. The photo is somewhere along that coastal range section, heading westbound back towards the coast. It was a 2000 mile, touring shakedown ride in July, on my brand new S1000R... Two thumbs up for this magnificent machine!! I was using the camera on my Samsung Galaxy 7 phone... mental state: ecstasy...."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a late model BMW and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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2016 I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: A Tale of Two Hurricanes (Promoted by www.I-BMW.com )

At last years DGR, Hurricane Joaquin rolled in with biblical rains just as our rally began. The timing couldn't have been worse. Who could have imagined a second hurricane would hit North Carolina exactly one year later to the day? While I was sweating bullets that we'd have another rain-out this year, Hurricane Matthew missed us. Barely. Amazingly, weather for this year's event was spanktacular from start to finish. The riding, as usual, was phenomenal.

The newly renovated Tapoco Lodge IMHO was impressive and did not disappoint.. As promised they actually had a welcoming banner for our group. This was the 17th year for this event and we had the smallest number of attendees of any I-BMW rally I've ever attended. Unless I'm mistaken we had only 10 riders show (last year during a full blown hurricane and 14" of rain we had twice that!) WTF?! The low attendance during world-class weather was baffling. The good news is... those of us who showed up had a great time except for our good friend JohnO who had a close encounter with a Buick that backed out in front of him sending him to the hospital and his bike to the scrap yard. Best wishes to John for a fast recovery...

We're definitely going back in 2017, but there's a change coming, my fellow hooligans! It's been 5 or 6 years since I asked attendees if they'd like to change the date of the rally so on the week of 10/16 I posted a poll at I-BMW.com and the results were unequivocal. We're moving the rally weekend to late September rather than early October. New dates and details for the 2017 DGR are in the rally section below.

I 've posted my 2016 rally pics and all that I could pilfer from I-BMW in the Pirates Lair Photo Gallery. Look for the album cleverly titled.... DGR17-2016. Hope to see most of you there next year...

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New Product: ZTechnik VStream Windshields for the 2015+ BMW R1200RS

Once again ZTechnik delivers the goods with their new series of VStream shields for the R1200RS. Pirates Lair carries all (3) of the new shields including their dark tinted Sport Windscreen, the light tinted Sport/Tour version, and their clear Touring shield. The advanced "V" shape and dimensional contours push the wind vortex out and away from the rider's helmet, resulting in a peaceful, quiet environment This improvement is notable for the passenger as well.

Each VStream shield offers the lucky R1200RS rider increased wind protection without sacrificing the cutting edge sporting appearance. Here are some links showing the differences.. Side By Side Front View Z Shield Comparison Chart for 2016+ R1200RS or Overlay Z Shield Comparison Chart for R1200RS

Each VStream windscreen includes a custom designed, super-strong mounting bracket that attaches easily to the OEM windscreen mount points. The bracket gives the larger VStream windscreen solid lateral support and high-speed stability. Pirates Lair has them here....

Show Me More, El Capitan!

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Upcoming Products for 2017: Stealth Backrests for the BMW R1200RS & Kawasaki Versys 1000

We've been quite busy over the last year. As soon as we finished our R1200GSW backrest project, we started on backrest designs for both the 2015+ BMW R1200RS and the Kawasaki Versys 1000. We initially ran into some serious issues with the R1200RS project and almost gave up, but out of the blue we got some unexpected help from one of our customers and now the project is on schedule for early 2017 release. (see pic at right). Our R1200RS Stealth Backrest kit, like almost all our other backrest kits, will slide on and off your bike in a matter of seconds and without tools. Each kit will include a sleek and sturdy aluminum rear rack (available in a textured black finish), mounting hardware, and one hand-matched removable backrest.

Our Versys 1000 Stealth backrest was a much easier project as that bike shares the same oem rack as the Concours 1400 and we already had a backrest for the Connie.. All we had to do was raise the platform (via some CNC'd aluminum rails) to clear the seat and viola... Done.. Those should be available by Christmas or shortly thereafter. Cost is a little higher than our other backrests due to the extra rails we have to include with each kit. No new projects are on the schedule once these are completed.. Time for a mental rest...

Shoe Me More, El Capitan!

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What Men Really Want for Christmas: Pirates Lair Gift Cards, Tees, BJs!

Through the years we've gotten more requests for Pirates Lair gift cards and tees than anything else except perhaps naked pictures of Amber. Who are we to deny the masses? Pirates' Lair again is offering Pirates Lair Gift Cards this holiday season in a number of denominations to fit your congressionally pummeled budget. From $25 to $300! Our standard sized plastic gift card is sleek, stylish, and professionally made. Whip it out (the card, that is) and you will garner respect and admiration from not only your peers, but also the less fortunate around you.

Like buying underwear or choosing a hooker, buying motorcycle accessories is a very personal thing. Simply guessing what your favorite rider actually needs/wants/desires for his ride is a hit or miss proposition. Rather than putting yourself in the embarrassing situation of getting the wrong thing or worse.. something that he or she hates and has to return... you can't go wrong with one of our waaaay cool Pirates Lair Gift Cards. Ladies.. these are perfect for the holidays, birthdays, weddings, promotions, or just a way of saying.. "Sorry honey..but I didn't realize that the old guitar I sold at last month's yard sale for $40 was a 1965 Fender Stratocaster personally autographed by Jimi Hendrix." Remember.. nothing says.. "I love you" or "I'm sorry" to a man like shiny plastic or I suppose.. an unexpected BJ.. One that doesn't involve begging, cash, or undercover police officers.

Included with every Pirates Lair Gift Card is a single-fold, greeting card style gift card holder with a folded/glued pocket inside for easy gift card insertion and removal. And that's not all! We also include a small matching envelope. Folded size: 4 3/4" x 3 3/8" Actual cost of each card is $5 to cover cost of card, holder, envelope package, and insured shipping inside the US. For instance.. a $25 gift card will cost $30 to your door. Saavy? Foreign orders are welcome. Happy Holidays!

Ho.. Ho..

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com and www.K-Bikes.com for the information and/or pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. We're starting to get 2017 I-BMW Rally dates in. I just signed the contract for the 2017 I-BMW Deals Gap Rally to be held again at the Tapoco Lodge and there's a change coming! It's been 5 or 6 years since I (the current designated organizer) asked attendees if they were happy with the current rally dates. On the week of 10/16 I posted a poll at I-BMW.com and the results were unequivocal. We're moving the rally up by a week. Back to late September rather than early October. That's the weekend we used for the first 6-7 years of this event. Apparently the date we've been using for the last few years was too close to another I-BMW rally being held somewhere in Arkansas. By moving DGR up one week, some riders could attend both events. So be it... For details on the 2017 DGR and other upcoming I-BMW rallies, see our rally section below.

Many will be glad to know that I've negotiated the same rates for our group for 2017. On a handful of the cabins, the price actually went down by $10 dollars per night due to the date change. Woohoo! FYI.. they are taking reservations now. Just mention that you are with the I-BMW group.

2. Recall Notice 2014-2015 R nine T: Turn Signals- US owners should know that there is a recall on this model by the NHTSA. BMW NA is recalling certain R nineT motorcycles manufactured between Nov 27, '13, through Jan 26, '15. The design of the rear turn signals may partially obscure the lights from being seen from the rear. BMW will notify owners and will replace the rear turn signals. Here's 'a a link to the NHTSA Gov webpage..
NHTSA Campaign Number: 15V110000 - Potential Number of Units Affected: 1,792

3. BMW Announces 2017 R1200 Series Updates.. BMW announced a number of updates for its liquid-cooled boxer models. The R1200R, R1200RT, R1200RS and R1200GS all return with some minor changes while the R1200GS Adventure is also back, now with a new special edition Triple Black variant. For 2017, all R1200 models receive judder dampers on the transmission output shaft (formerly standard equipment for just the R1200GS Adventure), along with revised selector drum actuators, transmission shafts and transmission shaft bearing. As well, 2017 models receive a new on-board diagnostics indicator light as per Euro 4 requirements.

4. Want to light up your world?? Check out this Clearwater Sevina Dimmable LED Light Kit Review - by our good friend Moto Mouth Moshe Episode #17

5. For K1600GT owners wanting some slimmer "City-Bag-type" lids for their gargantuan oem hardbags...look no further than BCD Megastore. Price is a lofty $518 a pair, but these French-made slim covers look damn nice.. They also list them available for the R1200RT.

6. Here's a nice find... LED Motorcycle Tail Light (Sequential Turn signal) For BMW K 1200R / K1200S It's another Chinese import, but these days almost all lights come from there.. We heard it works as good as it looks and install isn't bad...

7. I reviewed the Reevu MSX1 Rear-View Mirror Helmet back in 2010.. Loved the helmet and I'd be wearing one today if it hadn't been so heavy for my old neck bones and muscles.. If you've been considering this revolutionary design helmet you might want to check the latest review from our good friend Moto Mouth Moshe.. a regular poster over at I-BMW.com.... Reevu MSX1 Rear View Full Face Helmet Review He's also posted a video review of the Adaptiv Technologies TPX 2.0 Radar and Laser Detector. As usual, this latest video is well done and extremely watchable..

8. Looking for a great Christmas present for your favorite velocity monger?? Here's the 2016 top 10 radar detectors on the market... http://www.radarbusters.com/Best-Rad...ide-s/2461.htm

9. The Two Brothers Silver Series "Shortie" Slip-On exhaust system for the BMW K1300S & K1200S has been discontinued as of 11/02/16.... These were a Pirates Lair exclusive offering. No more are available..

10. Thinking about touring Ireland via motorcycle? It's always been on my personal bucket list. Celtic Rider is a 5 star award winning motorcycle touring company based in Kildare, Ireland that specializes in self-guided tours. They offer complete packages to fellow motorcycle touring enthusiasts including motorcycle rental, Garmin sat-nav and riding gear, Safety Orientation Course (to familiarize riders with riding in Ireland, rules of the road etc.). Check out their 5 Star Rating on TripAdvisor.

11. Now and then our customers are kind enough to send us links to "how-to" projects and I always share. Got a good one this month from Brooks Wolfe of Belfair, WA. Check out his Denali SoundBomb Installation on BMW R1200RS . He's even posted a before and after YouTube video for our audio enjoyment.. Thanks, B.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Holiday Military Swag: During the month of December, Pirates Lair will again be giving away a Free Pirates Lair Kickstand Pad with every order from a veteran or American soldier... Just ask and you shall receive. You will NOT see these listed on our website. Our kickstand pads are made of a black thermoplastic with the legendary Pirates Lair logo emblazoned on them. We had such a great response on this last year that I've decided to make this a Pirates Lair holiday tradition. We hope our service men and women around the world take us up on the offer. This is our humble way of saying "Thank you for all you do, soldier..."

2. During the month of December, Pirates Lair is giving away a FREE Pirates Lair tee with every exhaust system or pair of Ohlins or Wilbers shocks sold...

3. New Product Alert: We have the new Remus Bonneville 2016 Custom, Tapered Slip-Ons on the menu. These come in stainless steel chrome or black and are sold as a pair.. Here's a YouTube Video / Sound Clip.

4. New Product Alert: We just added Remus exhausts for the 2016+ Yamaha FZ-10 (which is also known as the MT-10 outside the US) to our menu... Here's a sound clip..

5. New Product Alert: We just added Remus exhausts for the TRIUMPH Bonneville T120 to our menu.. Here's a sound clip..

6. Here's a last minute idea for an inexpensive Christmas present.. FYI.. I never ride without wearing a helmet liner inside my helmet.. NEVER.. and the best one on the market IMHO is the Raci-Baby Helmet Liner I actually did a review of this helmet liner in our July 2012 Issue. I have 2 that I rotate in the wash when the other is dirty. IMHO.. these would make the perfect gift for anyone who wears a helmet.... Motorcyclists, snowmobilers, skiers, bicyclists, and probably soldiers. And did I mention these are made here in the USA?

7. New Product Alert - The new Synto Evo Levers are beautiful as they are functional. The race-tested levers set the standard in a sea of "fugly," poorly made equipment. Produced in Germany, Synto Evo Levers are CNC machined out of aircraft-grade aluminum and coated with a clear anodized finish. Each lever kit comes with both long and short lever ends. Each lever offers fully adjustable 6 positions so getting the ergos right on your bike has never been easier. Expect top quality with exacting specifications and tolerances for a smooth crisp feel with no slop as found on many aftermarket levers. 3 colors to choose from for levers and adjusting wheel. Mix and match length and colors! We have them to fit most late model BMWs.

8. Until Jan 10th, 2017, all our Pirates Lair tees are on sale!!! Yes.. you heard that correctly. Both short and long sleeve. Check out our Pirates Lair Plundering tees Just in time for the cold months ahead and the holidays. The XLarge tees also make wonderful sleepwear for your rug rats or that special person in your life. Also good for covering up back hair and/or aging tattoos. Guaranteed to get you laid more often.*
* Does not work on married men or GS riders.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

9. Just a reminder... For the last 13 years I've collected photos of bikes, rallies, events, vacations, babes, etc and have uploaded all of them to the Pirates Lair Photo Gallery hosted by SmugMug. I have dozens of albums there for public viewing and/or downloading. Our "Wall of Shame" album seems to get the most hits.. If you'd like to contribute.. email me a pic of your close encounter with the law. Enjoy

10. News on our Kawasaki Versys 1000 Stealth Backrest Project Update: Somebody alert the elves! We should have our Versys 1000 Stealth Backrest in stock by Christmas. Woohoo! Basically it's a modified version of our Concours Stealth backrest Install, like virtually all our other backrests, is a one beer job taking under 10 minutes with basic tools and intellect. Spread the word.

We had hoped to keep the price to $415.US like almost all our other backrests, but the cost of producing the extra mounting parts on a CNC machine will add to that number.. By how much? Not sure yet. We are looking at around $455.US delivered. Give your wife or girlfriend a truly Merry Christmas...

Coming Soon!


I-BMW Rally Event News : 2017
Here ye.. Here ye: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

The 2017 Australian I-BMW Rally: March 3-7th, 2017 New!

When: 3-4-5-6-7th March 2017
Where: Meeting in Tumut on the Thursday 2nd March afternoon/night... Currently all details can be found at I-BMW.com

Basic Ride Plan
*Thursday 2nd March – Meet at Tumut in the afternoon/evening.
*Friday 3rd March – Ride from Tumut to Merimbula via Khancoban/Jindabyne/Bombala.
*Saturday 4th March – Ride to Orbost via Bombala and Delegate and do the Bonang Hwy in both directions and back to Merimbula.
*Sunday 5th March – Ride from Merimbula to Bright via Bairnsdale/Omeo/Mt Hotham.
*Monday 6th March – Ride in and around Mt Hotham/ Falls Creek/Mitta Mitta, returning to Bright.
*Tuesday 7th March – Ride from Bright to Tumut via Granya/Goats Ridge rd.
*Wednesday 8th March – Go Home………

All rally details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc. Be a part of (hopefully) a new tradition.. and watch out for the 'roos.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."



The 18th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: Sept 28-30th, 2017 New Date!

Where: Tapoco Lodge
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: Sept 28-30th, 2017 [Thur-Sat] Check out Sunday
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

The Tapoco Lodge (near Robbinsville) site of our first 9 or so DGR's will again host the 2017 event. Hopefully without any hurricanes spoiling the fun. The newly renovated, upscale Tapoco has reserved all their cabins for our motley group. Woohoo!! All cabins for 2017 range from $129-229 a night. Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties. They are taking reservations now!

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel or Fontana Village Resort
Closest BMW dealer: Eurosport of Asheville, NC

Cancellation Policy: In the event of cancellation 30 days prior to the event, guest will be charged for one night. If the cancellation is outside of the 30 days, there will be no charge. This policy will be strictly enforced in 2017 and is nonnegotiable. Savvy?

We're baaaaaack!

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair tees or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our last two contributions were for our HowTo Survive The Tail of the Dragon page. Check out #21 & 22 sent in by old geezer, Bart Lee. Could any of our tips save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have 2 new contributions to close out the year.. Check out
Denali SoundBomb Installation on BMW R1200RS contributed by man about town, Brooks Wolfe of Belfair, Wa. He's even posted a before and after YouTube video for our audio enjoyment.. Thanks, B. We hear you now.. Also How To Install a Cam Chain Tensioner on BMW S1000XR and S1000R contributed by professional mechanic Chris Johns @ Escondido BMW.

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Guess that kinda wraps this one up. This will be the last communiqué for 2016. It's been another challenging year for Amber and I (and Pirates' Lair) thanks to the outgoing Obama regime, but we survived another year. Barely. Who knows what the future will bring. Amber and I appreciate everyone's support, advice, encouragement, and occasional naked pics throughout this past year. Best wishes to you all for a prosperous 2017...

In spite of what the far left would like us to say, we sincerely hope that you and yours (no matter what bike you ride and/or religion) have a a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Remember if you're gonna drink... leave the bike at home... For our secularist customers... Happy Winter Season.

For the US troops serving all over the world thank you for everything you are doing for us and our country. Godspeed, soldier.

Take care.. ride safe...stay warm.. watch out for flying reindeer... See you in the New Year..


Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues