Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: September & October 2015 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Their clandestine mission to Kronos (in Romulan space) to capture a one-man weapon of mass destruction is tension filled.. Uhura has barely spoken to Spock since Kirk violated the prime directive and saved his life on their last mission. Spock's mission report had caused Kirk to lose his command of the Enterprise. Uhura finally speaks her mind....

Nyota Uhura: At that volcano, you didn't give a thought to us. What it would do to me if you died, Spock. You didn't feel anything. You didn't care. And I'm not the only one who's upset with you. The Captain is, too.
Kirk: No, no, no. Don't drag me into this.... She is right.
Spock: Your suggestion that I do not care about dying is incorrect. A sentient being's optimal chance at maximizing their utility is a long and prosperous life.
Uhura: Great.
Kirk: Not exactly a love song, Spock.
Spock: You misunderstand. It is true I chose not to feel anything upon realizing my own life was ending. As Admiral Pike was dying, I joined with his consciousness and experienced what he felt at the moment of his passing. Anger. Confusion. Loneliness. Fear. I had experiences those feelings before, multiplied exponentially on the day my Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletter failed to arrive. Such a feeling is something I choose never to experience again. Nyota, you mistake my choice not to feel as a reflection of my not caring. Well, I assure you, the truth is precisely the opposite.

Kirk.. Chris Pine / Uhura... Zoe Zaldana / Spock...Zachary Quinto / Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013)

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! White Mountains, California! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our Sept / Oct POTM was contributed by Mark Odom (aka socalgtrider over at I-BMW) of Orange County, California. Taken on June 7, 2015 on California State Route 120 west of Benton CA, (elevation approx. 7000ft) looking east at the White Mountains, just west of the Cal/Nevada state line. A freak thunderstorm came from the east the day before and dumped 4 inches of snow on the 12,000ft peaks. Pavement and traffic conditions absolutely perfect. Had a three day weekend so thought I'd do a quick run over some Sierra passes. This was on my way home to SoCal. Photo taken with I-phone 5s..

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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Pirates Lair.. Equal Opportunity Offender: To Be.. Or Not To Be... PC!

I got a call a few weeks ago from a young lady who represented a woman's motorcycle club. She and some of her members (or so she claimed) had perused our site and determined that there were too many pictures of scantily clad women and not enough of scantily clad men. She suggested I change our site to rectify that discrepancy which would provide a more "woman-friendly" shopping environment. She informed me that we were losing a lot of business due to this glaring oversight.  Being the respectable businessman that I am,  I resisted the urge to tell her to "blow me" and instead tried to make a rational argument. I explained that as best as I can tell, 85% of our worldwide customers are heterosexual males who regularly compliment us for doing EXACTLY what we're doing. I added that I'd also guess that another 5% are lesbian women who also love our business approach. I don't think I've ever heard a complaint from our gay male customers. I further suggested that if I changed our site to include pictures of quasi-naked men I'd most likely offend 90% of our customers and end up losing more customers than I'd gain.  After my explanation, which she clearly couldn't believe she was hearing,  she said..."But it's just not right."

The same week I got another call from a man who was offended by our ad in BMW Owners News and he wanted to personally let me know that he would not be doing business with us.  He said I had crossed some PC line in an otherwise family publication. I suggested that if that picture offended him he probably shouldn't visit our website. He said he was so embarrassed by the ad that he couldn't let his young son look through the magazine and he was thinking about canceling his subscription. At first I thought he was joking... He was serious. FYI... this is what the ad looks like. Offensive?? You be the judge..

To round out a near perfect month of complaints, I also received yet another call from a dealer out west ( I get about one a month) who was shocked.. yes shocked that I referred to dealers in a recent newsletter as extortionists. I told him to relax.. that the reference was "tongue in cheek" and reminded him that many people are price gouged by dealers although most of us understand why. I mean really... I would assume that even Ragnar Lothbrok would consider charging $300 for a tire and mounting to be a bit harsh and punitive.

Like a Rorschach test, the Pirates Lair website and all it entails, ie advertising, newsletters, articles, and graphics apparently elicits different responses from different people. I think most get it.. Some obviously do not. Let the record show that I put a lot of effort into making our site easy to navigate, easy to understand, unique against a world of bland cyber competition, informative, fun, entertaining, and yes.. at times irreverent. That's been my diabolical plan to distinguish us from others from day one.

Could it be......

The fact that complaints are few and far between shows me that I am doing something right. This leads me to believe that the majority of our customers are sick and tired of all the PC nonsense being perpetuated on our nation and/or simply didn't heed the advice to stay away from the brown acid. My approach to owning and running a web-based business, either by luck, karma, or thoughtful planning has worked for over 16 years and I know for a fact that this really pisses off a lot of people who keep telling me we can't possibly succeed doing what we're doing.  

Were the aforementioned people correct in their assumptions that I'm probably losing some business with my non-PC approach? Absolutely. Will I change our site in order to be compliant in this increasingly milquetoast world? What do you think? While I have toned down the political rhetoric over the last 6 months (did anyone even notice?), don't expect me to cave to the PC police in the near future. One thing I can assure my readers and customers. I will fight political correctness until hell freezes over. Then I'll fight on the ice.

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Divining What BMW Riders Want.... Seeking Divine Wisdom?

I've been in this biz a lot of years and the hardest part of this job is trying figure out what my customers want on our menu. Well.. other than pics of scantily clad women. It's been my experience that BMW owners are a breed apart and harder to predict than a bipolar woman with menopause. It's a never ending challenge to keep our menu both fresh and up to date with the latest products. Some items are no-brainers like tire repair kits, loud horns, HID kits, hand grips, etc. Other choices are hit or miss. Custom torque arms, tail elimination kits, carbon fiber bits, or Megilnating Variable Intensity Multifunction Power Tools.

Every now and then it only makes sense to simply ask our customers what they'd like us to offer.. When I actually own one of the bikes on our menu like the BMW K1200RS or the K1200S, it's a little easier to figure out customer needs.. Usually, but not always. With new bikes coming out every few years that I do NOT have hands on access to or any saddle time on I'm at the mercy of my own speculation and that's when things can and have gone horribly wrong. We lost a truckload of money on the Meglinating Power Tool investment. I was sure they'd sell like pin joints at a Quicksiver Messenger Service reunion concert. I was wrong. Go figure.

With that said... I'd like to hear from our customers. Both on our product line and other aspects of our website. Am I missing anything? Is there something I'm not currently selling that you think I should add? Is our newsletter still worth the money? Suggestions on content? I'd really like some honest feedback even if it's brutal.

Please email me with any advice or suggestions or pics of scantily clad women.

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

1. While I've never seen a need for something like this, the people at Rizoma apparently do. Check out the Rizoma Front Brake Guards for BMW K/GS (ZBW027.) Looks like they fit the BMW K1300R and BMW R1200GS (2010-2011.) Not cheap, but probably cheaper than replacing a front caliper. Rizoma makes some great stuff.. Expect premium quality along with a premium price. Now watch me go out, drop my bike, and fuck up my caliper...

2. Pyramid Plastics (in the UK) now has a Ductail available for the 2015 BMW R1200RS. Basically, that's a rear motorcycle fender flap for touring, adventure and dual sport motorcycles. Designed to keep the mud off the back of your luggage or passenger and to reduce spray onto other bikers and vehicles traveling behind your motorcycle. I can special order these if interested. It's NOT something we'll carry in our R1200RS product line.

3. This is kinda cool.. Check out this BMW S1000RR conversion by Hornig. Lots of goodies on this bike... Eye candy personified. That Remus gives me wood...

4. Looking for a way to recharge your phone when you are on the road? This little device should rock your world and it plugs right into your BMW power port. Check out this offering from Revzilla.... Powerlet Dual USB Adapter

5. The main issue with ethanol-blended gas is it's ability to absorb water which then sinks to the bottom of your gas tank. If you've filled your tank at least 3 times with blended gas.. I guarantee you that you have water in your tank.. So what to do?? Seek out and use ethanol-free gas.. That's what I use in my bike and my MINI... Here's a website that can show you where all the ethanol-free gas stations are.. Pure-Gas.org

6. If you do your own tire changes with a front or rear (chain drive bikes) Pit Bull stands.. you'll realize how cool this new product is from Pit Bull.. The Pit Crew Tire Wedge lifts the front or rear tire up so your axle slides through the forks or swingarm easy peasy while your bike is up on the stand. It's compatible with every Pit Bull stand manufactured in the last 20 YEARS. Damn!! I want one ..Price is $89.95 + shipping.

7. Here's a survey that will confirm what we already knew.. Consumer Reports Motorcycle Reliability and Owner Satisfaction Report.

8. This just came in from my friend, Ara Gureghian. He's been working close to a year now with the people of GoPro shooting a short documentary. GoPro: Ara and Spirit "The Sidecar Dog" It is a bit less than seven minutes. GoPro did the editing while Ara and Spirit (Ara's beloved dog) did all the filming... Let him know what you think here... www.theoasisofmysoul.com

9. Last Call for Remus Hexacone Shortie: Anyone Interested? A few days ago I contacted my Remus rep and wanted to order a Remus Hexacone "Shortie" for my 06 K1200S... As I still can't afford a new bike under this political regime, adding new farkels now and then is a way of staving off new bike fever. It usually works.. I was told that Remus had just recently discontinued them and had none left in the warehouse. DOH! I was told that they would produce one last production run if I ordered a few.. They did NOT tell me exactly how many "a few" was... My guess is about 5.. If anyone else is interested in buying a Remus Hexacone "Shortie" for their K1200S .. let me know and I'll see if we can pool our doubloons and make it happen. This will be a "last call" deal.... FYI.. I've seen virtually every system on the market for these bikes and this one is the smallest and sleekest and my personal favorite...For more info, I had a web page here..

10. I don't know about you, but for as long as I can remember, I've always heard that you should get a new helmet every 4-5 years due to the fact that the inner foam deteriorates.. Well.. good news! .. The first scientific long term helmet study just came out and apparently.. that's not true... As I was approaching my current Arai helmet's 4 year mark and dreading spending the big bucks to get another,... this is certainly good news to me and my wallet. There are other reasons to replace a helmet--crash damage, strap deterioration, improving fit, but simple aging of the foam liner is not one of them. Sweet!

11. Last Call! Had a conversation with my Remus rep earlier today. He says I should NOT be surprised if they discontinue the Remus Full Exhaust system for the venerable K1200RS and 2002-04 K1200GT without any notice sometime in the near future. I was unaware of the fact that (according to them...) Pirates Lair is the last vendor still selling them. Keep in mind.. Remus is the last manufacturer producing aftermarket exhausts for these bikes.. This is bad news any way you look at it.. If you've been on the fence about buying an exhaust for your RS or GT.. now would not be the time to procrastinate.. Let me know if you'd like to snag one while the getting is good. It looks like the party is almost over. I have them here...

Click Here for Full Web Page.. If You Dare

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Back In Black: Amber and I really appreciate everyone's patience while while we were recently closed down for vacation. We spent a week in Costa Rica with my daughter and her husband celebrating the graduation of my youngest grandson. Congrats Bryson!! We're proud of you..!.

2. New Product Alert! We just got word from Remus that their BMW R1200RS and R1200R Slip-On and Full Exhaust systems are now in stock and ready to ship. We offer two choices of slip-on canisters for the new R12's. Titanium & Carbon Fiber which looks like this.. . Each slip-on kit comes with a stainless steel connector and all mounting hardware. The catalytic converter is located in the stock header system so the Remus slip-on kits do NOT eliminate the cat. We also offer two full systems for the R12's. Titanium & Carbon Fiber. Both come with stainless steel headers, connectors, and all mounting hardware. With the full system, the catalytic converter is eliminated. For those who want (and can afford) the best.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. New Product Alert! We now have two Bags Connection Tankbag Kits for the new Keyless Ride bikes like the new BMW R1200R and R1200RS. The Daypack II and the larger City Bag. These also fit the following.. BMW R1200GS LC (beginning with '15 production dates), BMW R1200GS Adventure (beginning with '15 production dates), BMW R1200RT (beginning with '15 production dates.)

4. We just got confirmation from Verholen of Germany that there are only (3) Verholen K1200RS Short Shift Kits left for the 1997-2000 BMW K1200RS. The kits for the 2001-04 K1200RS and GT have already been discontinued. What a pisser! IMHO.. These kits make a night and day difference to the crappy long-throw shifting on those bikes. Shorter throw.. a crisper feel.. shifting almost as good as a Jap bike. They've been producing these exclusively for Pirates Lair, but their parts suppliers have informed them that the parts necessary for production are all gone.. Bottom line.. if you've been wanting your RS to shift better, this little device is a simple bolt-on fix .. Painfully expensive, but worth every freakin' penny. Trust me on this.

5. New Product Alert! We just added the Raci-Baby WickIt! Helmet Liner to our menus... I swear by these things and have been wearing one for a few years now. For the record, not continuously.. but every time I ride. Soft, thin, comfortable in hot or cold weather with no pressure points.. One size fits all. Whether you are male, female, or any variation.. you'll love these. Simply the best helmet liner on the market, IMHO...and.. it's made in the USA. $20 to your door. I'll also add.. these would make the perfect gift for anyone who wears a helmet.... Motorcyclists, snowmobilers, skiers, bicyclists, and probably soldiers.

6. Pyramid Plastics is working on a rear hugger for the new R1200RS and R1200R... If all goes as planned we should have them in our grubby little hands in late September. We will have those here..

7. We are now selling products for the 2015 BMW R1200RS and R1200R...Check out our all new R1200RS Product Section here...

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

8. Upcoming Stealth Backrest Projects: On the agenda... we are currently working on one for the Kawasaki Versys 1000, next up will be the 2015+ water cooled BMW R1200GS, then towards the end of 2016... one for the 2015+ BMW R1200RS...

9. New Product Alert! We just got word from the Brits (at Pyramid Plastics) that they now offer a Extenda Fenda for the 2015 R1200R. We've got an order in for some and those should be in at any time. The R1200RS version will follow soon. Let the farkling begin.

10. New Product Alert! Speaking of farkling the new R1200RS... We now have Synto Levers for that bike. Here's what they look like on that bike.. They can not confirm,but I'm assuming they'll also fit the 2015+ R1200R

11. As per the blurb in the section above...odds are that Remus will discontinue the Remus Full Exhaust system for the venerable K1200RS and 2002-04 K1200GT soon. Keep in mind.. Remus is the last manufacturer producing aftermarket exhausts for these bikes and Pirates Lair seems to be the last vendor selling them.. If you've been on the fence about buying an exhaust for one of these bikes.. now would not be the time to procrastinate.. We have them here...

12. We're having a rare close out sale on our R & G Racing Frame Cap Kits for the 2012-2013 S1000RR including the HP4.. While they last we're selling the $70 kits for $45 delivered inside the USA..

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2015 & 2016
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

The 16th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 1-4th, 2015

Where: Tapoco Lodge
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 1st-4th, 2015 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

The Tapoco Lodge (near Robbinsville,) site of our first 9 or so DGR's re-opened just recently under new (motorcycle friendly) management and members at I-BMW.com have voted overwhelmingly to change venues this year from the Fontana back to the Tapoco. The newly renovated, upscale Tapoco has reserved (20) cabins for our motley group. All cabins are $189 a night, but I think all have been booked. There may be some rooms at the lodge still available. Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel or Fontana Village Resort
Closest BMW dealer: Eurosport of Asheville, NC

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair tees or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

We're baaaaaack!
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The Second Australian I-BMW Rally: March 4-7th, 2016 New!

Planning is in the works. Currently all details can be found at I-BMW.com

Basically.. starting in the town of Tumut, NSW, Australia plan for 4 days of riding together through and around the Snowy Mountains. Victoria Labor day weekend is the following weekend (12-14th March) and places are already booked out, plus that equals busy roads. Easter weekend is the last weekend of March in 2016 so that's out, and the Australian Grand Prix is the first weekend of April in 2016, so that doesn't effect us either. Superbikes is 20-22nd Feb at Philip Island, so that at least puts the rally 2 weeks after that. There doesn't appear to be any festivals in the places we are staying, apparently the bus loads of people start rolling into the area for the Autumn leaves in late March. But you never know, could be Elvis weekend, cross-dressing cowboy weekend, read the manual to your motorbike weekend.... you just never know. The weather should be glorious early March. Pretty much the same as last year. Crisp in the mountains (lowest was 10degrees) and getting up in the high 20's off the mountains.

All rally details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc. Be a part of (hopefully) a new tradition.. and watch out for the 'roos.

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last Tip # 164 was sent in by Mark Baldyga of Peabody, Mass! Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no new contributions this month.. Our last one was the K1300S ROWE PDM60 Install
contributed by K13Mike from Calgary, Alberta., Canada . Mike is a regular over at I-BMW.com . Thx, buddy.

Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues