Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: March / April 2018 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

Ilsa stops and looks into Rick's eyes.. Indecision is in her eyes. Victor stops to give them a moment .. He turns to look across the fog covered runway. The engines of the plane come to life.. It's time to board the plane for Lisbon.

Rick: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.
Ilsa: But, Richard, no, I... I...
Rick: Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn't that true, Louie?
Captain Renault: I'm afraid Major Strasser would insist.
Ilsa: You're saying this only to make me go.
Rick: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ilsa: But what about us?
Rick: We'll always have the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night and it's a surprisingly good issue.
Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you......
Rick: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going to ride, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid.

Renault / Claude Rains .. Rick / Humphrey Bogart.. Ilsa / Ingrid Bergman.. / ..Casablanca 1942

We'll always have the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter.

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Palomar Mountain Fun! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our Mar / Apr POTM was contributed by our good friend Charlie (aka Kneedragger) Wickliffe of Temecula, CA. He says of the photo..."This photo was taken 2-4-17 on Palomar Mountain in San Diego County by 1904 Photography, a freelance photographer who hangs out at this popular riding spot on weekends. According to his website, he uses a Canon EOS 7D Mark II. It was early afternoon, mild temperatures, kind of overcast. Somewhere behind me (not in the frame) are Craig Stein (aka CJS350 of I-BMW fame), hauling ass on his venerable K1200RS, and his buddy, David Solomon on a Multistrada. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GS's for God's sake.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

2018 K1600B Grand America..

BMW was so successful with the low slung K1600 Bagger that they've just unveiled a touring version... the 2018 K1600B Grand America. The bike comes standard with a taller windscreen, topcase, and an integrated brake light that matches the low, flowing lines of the aforementioned bagger. The Grand America comes standard with several items that are optional on the standard K1600 including reverse assist, feet-forward floorboards, Dynamic Traction Control, cornering ABS, heated seats and grip, cruise control, and Dynamic ESA with two damping modes. We're told the bike will be in showrooms early in 2018 with a base price hovering around $23,100 or so.

The six-cylinder engine claims a peak output of 158 hp at 7750 rpm and peak torque of 129.1 lb-ft at 5250 rpm. The engine runs in three modes, Rain, Road and Dynamic. With a full 7-gallon fuel tank, the BMW K1600 Grand America claims an unladen weight of 802.4 pounds, compared to the K1600B’s claimed 741 pound weight. It will be offered in a Blackstorm metallic paint or a two-tone Austin Yellow metallic.

My guess is, BMW was well aware of the fact that Honda was working on a revamped Goldwing. That bike is getting rave reviews. I'll theorize that the "Grand America" is meant to go head to head with the Honda. Here are a few interesting facts.. The new Goldwing weighs between 787 and 842 pounds. The BMW.. 802. The Honda has 125HP while the BMW has 158. The price of the Honda starts around $23,000 and skyrockets to $31,00 depending on options. The BMW also starts at $23K.. It'll be interesting to see the inevitable head-to head tests in the months to come.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Remus K1600 Bagger Quad Exhaust: Yes.. It Comes In Black!

While I'm not a fan of big heavy bikes, after seeing my first BMW K1600 Bagger at the local dealership, I do see the attraction.. It's low, black, baddass, and selling like opioids in Appalachia. Unfortunately BMW's crack team of designers stuck one of the ugliest chrome exhausts on this bike mankind has ever seen. Think Gary Busey on meth ugly. Earnest Borgnine and Gladis Kavitz have a baby, ugly. Those two honkin' oem canisters are massive and must weigh a ton.

Enter the Remus K16 Bagger Quad Custom Exhaust. The visual difference is night and day. Remus's all stainless steel Quad exhaust is finished off with a high-temperature flat black coating which provides a clear contrast to the garish oem chrome pipes. Their apparent goal was to offer a custom exhaust with a bold look while simultaneously maintaining the bike's flowing lines and IMHO.. they succeeded. The staggered, angled cut & rolled exhaust tip design add to the look without being overt or obtrusive. Mongo like.

Pirates Lair will offer the Remus Quad Bagger System in both a slip-on kit or for those wanting to be all they can be.. a full system. Both the quad slip-on and full systems are fully bolt-on and do not require any mods or engine mapping. Period! Both kits come with removable silencers. Oh.. and lastly.. both kits fit the aforementioned. 2018 K1600B Grand America. Are you worthy? Got a big bank account? Want to hear it?... Sure ya do.. YouTube Sound Clip...

Ba..ba..ba..bad to the bone..

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

REMUS "Winter Sucks" Exhaust Sale Continues- Limited Time Offer!

I reported in last month's cheese infested newsletter that Remus had given us permission to offer a handful of their exhausts at a "Winter Sucks" discount. We got a lot of response and for good reason. They emphasized that the offer was  for a "limited time only," but didn't say when that cut off date was and I didn't ask. As of this writing.. the sale is still on so I'll post this again while the party lasts. FYI.. A Remus sale is as rare as a celebrity that's not an expert in politics so if you've been thinking about an aftermarket exhaust.. now would be the time to pull the trigger if you have the $$$...

We're offering $100 off retail on a Remus for the venerable K1200RS & 2002-04 K1200GT , K1200S, K1300S, 2010-2012 R1200GS, and the 2014+ R1200GS. If you have another bike, let me know and I'll see if I can get a similar discount on an exhaust for it.. Apparently this is a big "limited time" push by a company that almost never puts their kits on sale. My guess is.. it won't last long.

BTW... Until they run out.. we're also giving away a free Pirates Lair tee with every exhaust system sold.... Our tees are stylish (in a "thug" kind of way) and are guaranteed to get you laid more often.* You can choose any color you want as long as it's black. As of today, we only have a handful left.

*Does not apply to married customers or GS riders.

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. While Harley sales are in the toilet with at least one facility closing.. BMW is having a bountiful year so far. Check out the latest good news from the Bavarians here.. BMW Motorcycles Hits Sales Record in the First Half of 2017! While most of the sales increases is are in Europe... they're also seeing an uptic in the US market. I predict even better numbers once the economy is back into full swing post tax reform. You know what they say.. "a rising tide raises all ships.."

2. More proof that things are getting better... Over the last few years we've seen BMW dealerships dropping like senior FBI agents.. It's been painful to watch. Just this week we heard some good news from a poster over at I-BMW.com that a new BMW dealership just opened in New Jersey.. Looks like the name may or may not be Cross Country Cycle.. Its the same location as Bergen County Harley Davidson...

3. Forget Viagra. Check out this review from RoadRacing World... BMW HP4 Race: Riding Fast On BMW's Carbon-Fiber Masterpiece At Circuito Estoril In Portugal

4. Most of us hedge our bets while riding with a variety of emergency accoutrements.. extra headlight bulbs, fuses, tire repair kit, air pump, condoms, Walther PPK, etc... Here's one I just learned about that all of us should carry... Check out the Colby Emergency Tire Valve. Yes.. most of us can repair a tire relatively easily, but what about the valve stem? They do go bad, doncha know. The Colby Valve installs tool-free from the outside of the wheel in about 1 minute, is 20X stronger than standard valves and made in the USA! Be prepared ... or not. Feelin' lucky? Well.. do ya punk? Cost is $34.99 for a two-pack. A bargain if your oem valve stem goes bad a hundred miles from home .. in the rain... on a Sunday morning.. out of cell phone range.. and you feel a case of diarrhea coming on from that suspect Barbeque sandwich you just woofed down...

5. Is print dead? If you had any doubt that print in the US is on the downward spiral, this should convince you. Cycle World, the largest US motorcycle publication, is stepping down to only 4 issues a year. Geezz.. This comes after my favorite US moto-magazine, Sport Rider, closed their doors last year. A sign of the times, I'm afraid.

6. Lets take a moment to look into the future of motorcycling with Mercedes' crystal ball.. Check out their Concept Mercedes Revenge Motorcycle

7. Here's a new review by my good friend Moshe Levy of the Warm & Safe's Heat Layer Shirt. Can this snug-fitting garment replace the traditional heated jacket liner? Tune in to find out!

8. Check out this YouTube video... 2018 BMW K1600B Grand America - Walkaround from the 2017 EICMA Milan Motorcycle Exhibition.

9. Is the S1000RR a little more than you need or can use? Would you be interested in a BMW S675RR, S675R, or S675XR? Check out this Wunderlich Concept Bikes..

10. In our rally section below you can find the latest information for all the 2018 I-BMW Rally events. Lots of news coming in.. Lots of events. Be a part of something greater than yourself. I-BMW events rock hard and are nothing like other rallies. No rally fees.. No dues.. No organized events.. No vendors. No restrictions. No panties.. Just show up, ride like the wind, then hang out after dark and regale us with your epic feats of moto-heroism...

11. The BMW MOA International Rally site for 2018 was just announced. The winner is exotic Des Moines, Iowa. The Iowa State Fairgrounds will host BMW MOA members July 12 - 15, 2018. If you like to go to events with massive crowds, old guys in tents, and thousands of old BMW twins.. there's no better place to be. Think of it as Daytona Bike week without the Harleys, the pretty women, or the beach.

12. Love this video.. I'll bet you will too... The Someday Ride.. Life is short...What are you waiting for?

13. If you've ever owned a chain-driven bike, but lacked a centerstand... you know that cleaning and lubing the chain is a royal bitch..Yes.. you can buy expensive stands for home use, but what if you are out on the road? or over at a buddies house? Enter a new solution from the Tirox Company (based in Ontario.) Their Snap Jack V2 is a portable, compact bike lift that you can carry with you when traveling or use in your own garage as an alternative to a Pit Bull stand. It adjusts to most bikes (not cruisers) in seconds.. Price is around $49.95. Here's a waaaay cool video showing how it works..

14. Also from the Tirox Company.. Once you have your bike up on their Snap Jack (or your Pit Bull stand)... they make a chain cleaner called the 360 Chain Brush which can be bought all over the www.. Amazon, EBay, or most on-line accessory shops.. Here's a link to Revzilla.... and here's one at SportBikeTrackGear. Price seems to be around $12US. + shipping. Honestly.. I've never seen a design like this.. If anyone reading this has tried one. Please let me know what you think.. I'm hoping to own a chain driven bike this summer..

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. From time to time a discriminating customer asks us why we have never sold a Carbon Fiber Hugger for their BMW K1300GT... I usually shrug and apologize that to date, no vendor that we know of has ever produced one for that bike.. or have they?... One of our more adventurous Canadian customers has just confirmed that out KHO.101.K130S.K Ilmberger K1300S/ K1300R Carbon Fiber Hugger fit his K1300GT perfectly. No mods.. no drama.. A simple bolt on. Even Ilmberger didn't know this.. Sweet!! Thanks, Al.

2. As per the bad news in our Jan/Feb Newsletter.. Staintune is closing their doors. Hence forth, Pirates Lair will NOT be taking any more Staintune orders due to their pending closure. We have a few silencers left in stock,.. otherwise... that's all folkes... However.. we will continue to buy and sell pre-owned Staintune K1200RS / GT systems.. If you have one available or know of someone.. please email me.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

3. As I mentioned last month, our supplier of BMW shift and brake lever extensions retired. Lucky bastard.. The good news is.. I found another source and amazingly the price will stay the same. As of 2/20/18, we now carry the Hornig Shift Lever Extension and Brake Lever Extensions. The Hornig shift lever extension fits the K1600GT / K1600GTL / K1200S / K1300S / K1200R / K1200RS / K1200GT / S1000XR. Note: We've been told by customers that these will also fit the Concours 14, Versys, ZX-14, and Honda Blackbirds. We suspect they'll fit other bikes as well but we have NOT tried them on others. We also have numerous Hornig brake lever enhancers to fit almost every late model BMW.

4. Arrival of the first shipment of Remus K16 Bagger Quad Custom Exhaust.for the BMW K1600 Bagger is imminent... Rid yourself of one of the ugliest oem exhausts in the Milky Way galaxy with this new offering from Austria. We're taking pre-orders now.

5. Big boots and a small brake lever make for a bad combination. Here's some good news for "Bagger" owners.. I just discovered that the Hornig K1600GTL Brake Pedal Extension we sell also fits the new K1600 Bagger....

6. Remus Sale!! For those with ADD.. as mentioned in last month's most holy of newsletters and in the blurb above... for a limited time only, Remus is having a rare sale on many of their exhaust systems including the venerable K1200RS & 2002-04 K1200GT , K1200S, K1300S, 2010-2012 R1200GS, and the 2013+ R1200GS... A Remus sale is as rare as peace in the middle-east so if you've been thinking about ridding your beautiful bike of that butt-ugly oem anchor of an exhaust... now would be a good time. They did not tell me how long this offer would be good.

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2018
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Australian I-BMW Rally: March 2-6th March 2018

Currently all details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com

Basically.. starting in the town of Tumut, NSW, Australia on the Thursday 1st March afternoon/night.. Why those dates? Victoria Labor Day Weekend is the following weekend and is a bike and hotrod show in Bright, and the World Superbikes is scheduled for the previous weekend. This should give us the same riding as last year which was clear roads with the minimum of “fuzz/Leos” about. Starting and finishing the rally in Tumut may present an opportunity to unload some gear for a few days for some long distance riders, and will also work for anyone that wants to “trailer” their bike to the rally. The weather…… could be cold mornings and warm afternoons like our previous rallies, could be 36 degrees every day like the 2016 Rally. More importantly we hope it doesn't rain..

Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc. Be a part of (hopefully) a new tradition.. and watch out for the 'roos.

Texas Hill Country I-BMW Rally: April 9th -13th, 2018 New!

When: Arrive April 9, depart April 13
Where: Bandera, TX
Command Central: The River Front Motel
Reservations: (830) 328-5110; Ask for Mary Jane or Tracy & be sure to tell them you're with the i-BMW group
Cancellation Policy: 1 week prior to arrival date

As with all our rallies, there are certain standards of behavior & decorum that must be observed & maintained. Should you choose to attend the rally, please be aware that mature, adult behavior in any shape, manner or form is strongly frowned upon and will not be tolerated. Whether it's riding the superb Hill Country roads, being surrounded by miles & miles of Texas wildflowers or getting a mouthful of testicles in Castell, you know it's gonna be a good time! So start making plans to join us for this year's THCR.

Agenda: Meet. Ride. Talk, Eat. Ride. Talk.

Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW Rally: May 17th - May 20th, 2018 New!

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 17th thru May 20th, 2018 - Arrive Thursday depart Sunday May 20th.

Call 540-254-1551 for reservations. / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are 75 per night + taxes = $83.50 includes continental breakfast.

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge

SSR / Summer Solstice I-BMW Rally: June 28th - July 1st, 2018 New!

When: Arrive Thursday June 28th, depart Sun July 1st
Where: Weston, VT on Rt 100
Command Central: The Colonial House Inn and Motel
Reservations: Call (802) 824-6286 ask for Jeff or Kim and say you're with the I-BMW group.

There are 14 rooms of different bed and bath arrangements - BOOK EARLY
Cancellation policy is two weeks notice. They will invoice you through SQUARE.
There can be a BBQ if we give notice, Jeff does a mean Pulled Pork BBQ. Or if there is interest he will come up with a dinner menu but the restaurant isn't normally open for dinner.

I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: Revived! Sept 13-16th, 2018 New!

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday, September 13th and check out is Sunday, September 16th.
Reservations: 800-621-1260

This year the event will be held in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $99 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $109 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge 2716 Soco Road Maggie Valley, NC 28751. We have blocked 16 rooms out of 40 total rooms so call and make your reservations! You can always cancel.

Making discounted reservations are good until August 13th and then special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution in this issue from "Voxmagna" (a regular poster over at I-BMW.com ) who resides in London, England
. I'll wager that his tip might just be a godsend to many K1200RS owners... K1200RS Blinker Pods: 'Fixed' Forever! Thanks, Vox. Well done..

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues