Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? Odds are this may be the last one. I'm getting old and I'm winding things down here at the 'Lair.

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. If you have subscribed and are not receiving our notices, check your spam filter or make sure your server isn't rejecting pirateslair@charter.net

The Last Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter: July / August / September 2023 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... .. A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

Dewey has been working in the studio non-stop for weeks. His opus arrangement is no closer to being complete than on day one. The daily acid trips doesn't help. Dewey's band is tired and fed up.. They've been keeping their opinions to themselves long enough.. Somebody is about to snap. Stupidly, Dewey takes out his frustrations once again on the boys .. threatening them with their jobs.. blaming them...Big mistake. Showdown time with the Dewey Cox band...

Theo: Dewey, are you sayin' you don't need us no more?
Dewey: Not unless you can open your minds...and learn to play the f**kin' theramin.
Theo: [there's a silence between the group] F**K YOU DEWEY!
Dave: Yeah, f**k you Dewey! In twenty years, not once have you shared your Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletters.. You don't think we like to farkle our BMWs, too?
Sam: And you never once paid for drugs! Not once!
Dave: You pay that chimp more than you pay us! I had to borrow from the chimp to get a mortgage on my home.
Theo: And those stupid siamese glass cats you get us every year for Christmas! I don't want anymore siamese glass cats!
Dewey Cox: The siamese cat is a symbol of mobility in Ancient Egypt.
Sam: F**k mobility!
Dave: F**k Ancient Egypt!
Theo: ...F**k cats!
Sam: And you never paid for drugs. Not... once.
Dave: [angrily] You slept with my wife!
Theo: You slept with me too! And I've had confused feelings about that for ten years now!
Sam: And you never ONCE paid for drugs!... Not once.

Dewey/ John C. Reilly.. Sam / Tim Meadows .. Dave / Matt Besser.. Theo / Chris Parnell .. Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (2007)


News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled World

Picture Of The Month! Telluride, Colorado! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July/August/September POTM was contributed by Forrest Hicks of Berthoud, CO. He says of the shot... "Pic was taken downtown Telluride, CO on August 4th this year. I was on a 1200 mile loop around Colorado for 3 days. Pic was taken with an iPhone 13 Pro. Weather was perfect, 75 partly cloudy. Everyday was a breeze on the RS on mountain roads with some open straight blasts of triple digits for several miles and not a vehicle in sight. Epic trip."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

My Last Ride... A Tough Decision...

Friends, customers, and fellow riders... After a lot of thought and deliberation, at 67 I've decided to hang up my leathers and walk away from riding. Kinda looks like I've made my last ride. I've known for a while that this day would come, but I can assure you that when the day actually arrives.. it's disconcerting in so many ways. After almost 2 years of deliberation, I have no doubts about the decision, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's time. As my doctor explained to me... "Think of your body as a machine starting to wear out. It's not the age, but the mileage."

Some of my readers may recall my run in and subsequent ramblings about my open heart surgery in our Dec 21 Cheesy Newsletter. What I have not mentioned in my recent newsletters is that another health problem reared it's ugly head about 6 months ago. Something so rare that multiple doctors, both locally and at the Vanderbilt Medical Center (in Nashville), had never even seen it. Basically my left knee would explode and fill up with blood for seemingly no reason in a matter of seconds. Yes... it sounds painful and it was. I saw a dozen doctors over a few month period and none could come up with a consensus as what to do. While they were trying to diagnose it, I was unable to stand or walk or drive. It was a dark time for this pirate.

The good news is.. the docs with big brains and expensive diplomas kinda figured it out and Vandy's top vascular surgeon made repairs back in May. The prognosis? I'm on the backside of recovery and I almost have my Yul Brenner swagger back. The bad news is.. they tell me if I start putting serious weight on the knee again (like hoisting a bike off it's centerstand), the problem may return. The thought of facing that again scares the beejesus out of me. Combine that with diminishing reflexes and a noticeable loss of my once laser-like focus due to my age, genetics, and perhaps a smattering of recreational drug "research" through the years... the writing is on the wall. As Clint Eastwood said ... "a man has got to know his limitations" and I do. I'm not happy about this, but you play the hand you're dealt.

Excalibur For Sale .. 2006 BMW K1200S

Of course, as my riding days are over (blurb above) I don't want a beautiful and tempting reminder of my glory days sitting in my garage. My last (and favorite) bike, a 2006 BMW K1200S, is up for sale. I call her "Excalibur." As I publish this I have it listed on eBay. Item ID: 285417156815, but if interested you can contact me directly..

I bought this bike new in Nov 2005 and it's still the best all-round bike I've ever owned. As per, I'm having to sell it due to age and health problems. Besides it being my rolling therapist, it's essentially been our display bike showcasing parts and accessories we sell. The bike is truly a cut above with mods you won't see on any other K1200S. It runs like new. I had it painted white the first week I bought the bike as well as having the wheels powder coated white to match the paint. It generally draws a crowd wherever it's parked and IMHO is arguably the best looking KS in the country. It's got 43K on it.

I removed the rear footpegs and modified the hangers to make this a solo bike. If you plan on riding two up you'll need to buy new oem hangers from your local dealer. Email me for the long list of installed accessories as well as extras which come with the bike including (2) Pit Bull stands, a cover, battery tender, service manual on CD.

It's never been down. It's had all the factory recall work done. I have all documentation of work/service, accessory install, history, etc... The Michelin tires on it are in excellent shape. Risking my mostly well-deserved reputation as a speed-addict, I'll admit that the bike has never seen redline in any gear. I live in the mountains of NC so 99% of my riding is in the twisties. No need for high rpms on the Blue Ridge Parkway or Cherohala.

If interested, email me for asking price, VIN, and list of accessories. Buyer is responsible for pick up or shipping service of all accessories. No test rides without cash or MO in hand.. And yes... it's an end of an era for this pirate, but what a wonderful experience it's been.

"We'll Meet Again... Don't Know Where.. Don't Know When" - The Last Cheesy Newsletter

The first Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletter was unleashed on the unknowing populace in May 2003. Odds are that this issue will be the last. After 20 years, I've run out of things to say. I'm tired. In the first few issues there were few pictures and 90% of the information and discussion was about the BMW K1200RS. Damn, those were great bikes and the K12 rallies many of us attended were the best. The friendships we made ... long lasting. Sadly, the world (and bikes) have changed and in this pirate's opinion... not for the better, but I digress. In 2003 we had a few dozen subscribers compared to 5-6 thousand today as I scribble this final homage 20 years down the road.

As I've mentioned in the last newsletter or two, I hope to retire within the next 2-3 years and I've decided to wind down Pirates Lair in incremental stages starting with the newsletters. It may not seem like it, but it takes a lot of time coming up with the bullshit that goes into every issue. My loyal readers (sick bastages that they are) must be all too aware that my creative juices dried up a long ago. I don't write new articles like I once did. As I don't attend rallies any more, ride reports are a thing of the past. I'm simply not as excited, creative, prolific, or as twisted as I once was. All prerequisites for a fun newsletter. Coincidentally, Amber says the same thing about our sex life. Dropping the newsletters will free up a lot of time for this aging pirate to ponder new adventures.

That being said, it's been fun and no.. I'm not retiring.. yet. The newsletters are just going away. I honestly have enjoyed writing every single one of them and keeping my fellow pirates informed, enlightened, entertained, and occasionally amused. Even after all these years I still love being part of the motorcycling community. I'm one lucky man. In case this is the last time you hear from me in print, I'd like to extend my gratitude to all my friends and readers who followed my rantings through the years. May the wind be always at your back... This one's for you... Now bring me that horizon.

I-BMW Reunion.. Pirates Lair Party Cancellation Notice!

As most of you know by now, 2 years ago we were on the brink of our Pirates Lair / I-BMW Reunion party when God tried to kill me with a heart attack. While he failed (once again) to take me out, our party plans didn't survive. We had almost 40 confirmed guests coming from all over the country, a live Mariachi band, and enough KFC chicken ordered to endanger the species. As anti-social as I am, I was honestly looking forward to seeing everyone.

We postponed the event for a year then ran into Covid and a lot of paranoid people so we delayed it again. We thought we could finally put the event together for 2023, but I noticed that in the interim I hadn't had a single soul ask me about an updated event or show the slightest interest. I began to wonder if I was the only one feeling nostalgic.

Last newsletter I asked my peers for feedback about one last I-BMW party. I contacted a few individuals directly. Some on the various social media platforms. Some using my telepathic skills. The consensus was as clear as an unmuddied stream. Out of thousands of former I-BMW members and lurkers contacted, I got 3 responses.
The numbers and enthusiasm simply aren't there..

That being said, we've decided to pull the plug on the party due to lack of interest, a general malaise, and few heapings of comfortable apathy. I missed my window 2 years ago (thanks allot, God) and with all things in life... it's all about timing. As I write this I am one sad pirate, but looking back.. it was a great ride while it lasted and I have lots of wonderful memories of past gatherings and many good friends to show for it..

The History of I-BMW Rallies In Pictures: Get Them While They Are Still Available!

A few years ago when Vic Salemme shut down I-BMW.com with virtually no notice to members, we lost access to almost 20 years of rally and personal pictures, articles, and ride reports. Many of them my own. Stupidly I didn't save copies for my own files assuming that I-BMW would be around into infinity and beyond. That's on me, but.... dayum. What an epic loss. Every now and then I think of one or two of my lost stories. There's still a "ghost image" of I-BMW at the Wayback Machine website if you have the time to sort through it's remains. It's kind of like what Superman would find if he visited the remains of Krypton. Bits and pieces. Carnage of what once was.

Last week I got to thinking.. Sometime within the next 2 years when this aging pirate retires and shuts down the biz, there's gonna be some collateral damage other than the aforementioned newsletters.. ie.. our Pirates Lair SmugMug Photo Gallery will also go away. It costs me a nice sum to keep all the I-BMW rally photos stored and displayed there. I keep those photos available as a courtesy to our customers..

Unlike Vic, I'm giving all youz guyz a heads up now (in this last newsletter) that if you want to save any old rally pics... now would be the time to find and download them. They are free for the taking. I'll assume you just pull up a picture, right click on it, and save to your hard drive. Or you could just pull up the picture and use your Windows "Snippet Tool." It's that easy.. FYI.. I saved pics from dozens of I-BMW rallies going back to 1999... Blue Ridge Parkway Rally, Deals Gap Rally , Texas Hill Country Rally, Sierra Gold Rush Rally, Rocky Mountain Rally, Australian I-BMW Rally, and our infamous Wall of Shame photos. Enjoy and fare thee well, me hearties..

Blue Ridge Parkway Rally 2007 or so....

Answered Prayers: Remus K1600 Headers Redesigned to Fit Every Model Year... 2011-2024!

For the K16 riders with 2020-2024 bikes who have been wanting headers and haven't been able to find them... good news... While Remus has been producing a K16 header kit for the 2011-2020 bikes, BMW made changes to those bikes in 2020 and went from (2) O2 sensor ports to (4) to meet some "green" feel-good European laws. Meaning the early headers wouldn't work on the 2021+ bikes due the O2 port problem..

I bitched relentlessly to the Austrians over the last few years about producing a kit for the new bikes. I kept reminding them that K1600 headers was our #1 selling product. I got ZERO response. Could be because they couldn't sell the K16 headers legally in the US anyway. Perhaps they just don't like my "in your fucking face" attitude. I'd pretty much given up on seeing a kit for the new bikes until I got an email today (5/1/24) from my European rep on an unrelated subject. He casually mentioned that they finally modified the early headers to accommodate both the new and old bikes and would be available next week. Holy mother of Jesus!

I can only assume the kits now come with (4) O2 ports and each port has a plug if not needed.. Viola.. Simple.. The new part # is 0101 089922 and the new header kit will fit every K16.. ie.. 2011-2024 K1600GT / GTL / Grand America / Bagger. Bam. Done.

While the US importer isn't allowed to sell them.. Pirates Lair can and will and does... I was told the first batch would be in stock (in Europe) next week..We'll be selling them on these pages. Remus Quad Exhaust For the Bagger.... Remus BlackHawk Exhaust for the K1600GT & GTL.

Paradise Ridge Campground: Right Off the Blue Ridge Parkway

Amber and I bought 6 acres of mountain property just east of Asheville, NC as soon as we moved to the area 20 years ago. We chose the location, just 8 minutes from the Blue Ridge Parkway, as it's my favorite place to ride. We've slowly been making improvements to the property in preparation for inviting friends and family over and eventually building our retirement home on it. Landscaping, clearing brush and thinning trees, a barn for Amber's horses, a fire pit, picnic tables, a shower, etc.

A couple of years ago Amber had an idea to recoup some of our monthly expenses by allowing campers to pitch their tents on our beautiful plot of paradise. Asheville is a huge tourist destination. Wish I had thought of it!.. Anyway, we are now taking reservations via the HipCamp.com website. This will be our 3rd year and we've gotten nothing but rave reviews. Now that we've worked through the learning curve of discerning what campers need and/or want, we're ready to spread the word and offer invites to our quasi-esteemed newsletter readers.

If you like camping or know people who enjoy that type of outdoorsy punishment and have been wanting to visit the Asheville area and ride the Blue Ridge Parkway, we just got up a preliminary web page up for Amber's campground. Paradise Ridge Permaculture Campground. We'll be tweaking it over the next few weeks or months.

You can book directly and get directions off the (admittedly lacking) Hipcamp website.We offer 5 wooded camping spots plus a wide open grassy pasture for parking RVs, vans, campers, trailers, or buses. We are (of course) motorcycle friendly and depending on the weather, allow riders to park their bikes by their camp spot. We offer on-site security from dusk till dawn most nights, fire-wood for the fire pit, bottled water, shower access. Pets welcome. No honey badgers.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare
Click Here To See More... If You Dare!
Click Here To See More... If You Dare

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Unless something changes... this will be the last Pirates Lair Newsletter. No.. I'm not retiring.. yet, but I'll be winding down the website over the next few years and the newsletters take a lot of time. More than you think. I'm not as sharp mentally or as prolific as I used to be. It's been a good 20 year run. The website will continue for a few years longer so I'm not going anywhere for a while. If interested in walking down nostalgia lane, all 20 years of our past newsletters will stay on-line until the site eventually goes down. Enjoy..

2.Our planned October Pirates Lair / I-BMW Reunion Party has been cancelled. (See blurb above..)

3. My white 2006 BMW K1200S (my precious...) is for sale. See blurb above . Email me for asking price, VIN, and list of accessories

4. I heard from the Austrians this am.. They confirmed the 2019-2022 Black Hawk slip-on exhaust kit will fit the 2023-2024 BMW R1250RS / R1250R models. I just changed the information on our website to reflect this.. FYI..

5. We're having a rare sale on our Kawasaki Concours 1400 Stealth Backrests... $399 delivered inside the US. While they last.

6. In case you hadn't noticed, the price of everything has skyrocketed over the last year or so. We all know who's to blame so I won't dwell on it. I'm bringing this up as most of our customers have probably noticed that prices on our menu have started creeping (or even rocketing) up in an exponential way. Besides the weekly increases in shipping costs (both here and abroad) virtually every month one of my vendors is contacting me with price changes that I'll be required to implement. Just wanted to say.. '"I'm sorry.. It's out of my control." Build Back Better.

I-BMW / Theriderspace.com Rally Event News : 2023
NOTE: Pirates Lair is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

I-BMW Reunion.. Pirates Lair Is Throwing Another Party! October 14th, 2023 (CANCELLED DUE TO APATHY)

Where: 122 Flat Top Mountain Rd, Fairview, NC 28730
Remember, when you Google directions to our property to make sure you put in the zip code as there are TWO 122 Flat Top Mountain Rds in North Carolina. We don't want you getting lost or showing up at the wrong one.. Awkward.
GPS Coordinates: N 35 degrees, W 082 degrees
When: Sat. October 14th, 2023
Contact : 828-628-7093 or Pirateslair@gmail.com
Nearby Motel: Ramada by Wyndham Asheville Southeast

Sorry everybody..We've decided to pull the plug on the Pirates Lair / I-BMW reunion party due to lack of interest. Missed my window 2 years ago and with all things in life... it's all about timing...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

BMW How-To Section

We have 2 new contributions this month. This one courtesy of John Painter who hangs out at the BMW R1200RT/R1250RT Owners Group on Facebook... R1200RT Final Drive Pivot Point Maintenance and BMW K1600 Valve Clearance Check by the infamous BMWGuy on Youtube..

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps rolling joints, pissing people off on Facebook, and cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues