Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.


The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July / August 2020 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... .. A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

As the boat drifts alongside the seemingly never-ending curve of the cyclorama, Truman's attention is drawn to an outline in the otherwise flawless backdrop. He retrieves the identikit picture of Sylvia from his coat pocket and clambers to the prow of the boat. There, camouflaged in the painted skyscape just above the water line, is a door. Truman walks the few steps to the top and grabs hold of the recessed doorhandle. He stands in front of the door and closes his eyes in a silent prayer. CHRISTOF opens a small panel on his desk, breaks a seal, and speaks into the emergency P.A. system that is linked to the entire studio.

Christof: Truman!. Christof's voice booms over the now calm ocean.
Christof: Truman! Truman drops the handle as if his hand has been burned. He looks all about him.
Christof: You can speak. I can hear you. Truman takes a moment to overcome his fear and astonishment.
Truman: Who are you?
Christof: I'm the creator...of a TV show - that gives hope and joy and inspiration to millions.
Truman: (incredulous) Then who am I?
Christof: You're the star. Truman struggles to take it all in.
Truman: Nothing was real?
Christof: The Cheesy Pirate's Lair Newsletter was real! That's what made it so good to read. Christof picks up a slim, flat monitor. He swivels in his chair and gazes intently at the image of Truman he now holds in his hands.
Christof: Listen to me, Truman-- On the screen, Truman again reaches for the door handle.
Christof:
You can leave if you want. I won't try to stop you. But you won't survive out there. You don't know what to do, where to go. A wave of doubt washes over Truman's face.
Christof: Truman, I've watched you your whole life. I saw you take your first step, your first word, your first kiss. I know you better than you know yourself. You're not going to walk out that door--
Truman: --You never had a camera in my head.
Christof: Truman, there's no more truth out there than in the world I created for you - the same lies and deceit. But in my world you have nothing to fear. Truman seems to be considering the possibilities. He looks at the picture of Sylvia in his hand.
Christof: (suddenly angry) Say something, damn it! You're still on camera, live to the world...!
Truman: In case I don't see you--good afternoon, good evening and good night. He steps through the door .....

Truman / Jim Carrey/ Christof /Ed Harris / The Truman Show (1998)


News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled World

Picture Of The Month! Varese Ligure, Italy.. (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July / August POTM was contributed by Fabrizio Falzoi who lives in Santa Margherita Ligure, Italy. He says of the photo.. "This photo was taken yesterday (6/19/20) in a location that I love very much and which is called Varese Ligure (Italy). You can easily find it on Google Maps. The roads are winding because the area is mountainous and therefore it is ideal for riding a motorcycle. The views are beautiful and many bikers from all over Europe meet.

The photo was taken with my iPhone 11 during the lunch stop right near the medieval castle of this small village. It was a pleasant day after a hard week of work. Starting from this location I went through some mountain passes (Passo Centocroci, Passo del Tomarlo). 182 kilometers (113 miles) in 4 hours with stops included to look at the mountains around me. Obviously I have always been together with the incredible feeling of freedom that only a motorcycle can give you and that only motorcyclists can understand. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots or send me a link if you've already uploaded them somewhere. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GSs for God's sake.

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New Product: Pirates Lair BMW R1250RS / R1250R / R1200RS / R1200R Stealth Backrest

I've designed and manufactured a lot of backrests through the years. I thought I had the process down to a science... until this project came along.. What should have taken 4 months from start to finish took 2 years. Everything that could go wrong did. It was as if the project was cursed. I actually gave up on the project.. twice. But I don't like to be beaten.

Last week we received our first production run of our R1250RS / R1200RS Stealth Backrests and they are impressive. One of my machinists (a former engineer for Ford Motor Company) told me these look as good as anything they produced. High praise, indeed.

Like all the Pirates Lair backrests, install of the R12RS stealth rack is chimp easy with basic tools and intellect taking all of 10 minutes. No modifications necessary. While we designed these to fit the 2015+ BMW R1200RS and 2018+ R1250RS, we found out only last week that these will also fit the 2015+ BMW R1200R and R1250R when they're equipped with the optional BMW rear rack. Cool beans. Each rack is powder coated with a rich, durable, textured black finish. We also offer an optional BMW peel-n-stick emblem to make the rack look factory. Our latest backrests are in stock and shipping...

While I'm gushing with elation and relief to have put this project behind me, I'd like to give a special shout out to Mark Cushman who offered up the original design out of the goodness of his heart. I freely admit, the project never would have happened without him. Thanks, my friend.

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New Product: Watonlight CanBus LED Headlight Bulbs

While we've been selling LED headlight bulbs for a few years now from multiple manufacturers, until last week we'd never offered a CanBus specific bulb. On perhaps 80% of the motorcycles on the road (with or without CanBus) a non-CanBus LED bulb will work just fine. Hell... I've been using a non-CanBus LED bulb in my K1200S for a few years with zero issues. Works great.. That being said.. others see problems. On some CanBus equipped bikes, non-CanBus specific bulbs can trigger warning lights on your dash or some other Defcon warning. With a CanBus specific bulb there should be no issues on 96% of motorcycles or cars. Enter the Watonlight CanBus LED Headlight Bulb

The Watonlight H7 LED CanBus Headlight Bulb is super small (the smallest I've seen) making it easy to fit into the tightest spaces. These kits are waterproof, shock-proof, last for a claimed 30,000 hours (compared to 850 hours of your oem bulb), and run cooler than either halogen or HID bulbs. Each 55w Watonlight bulb produces a serious 5000 lumens (or so they claim) of a bright, white light at 6500K. For reference, your oem halogen bulb puts out only 1000 lumens. In case you've been shopping around, the Watonlight LED bulb is both smaller and brighter than our competition at Cyclops at about the same price. These come with a full year warranty

The Watonlight H7 LED CanBus Headlight Bulb is truly plug & play. No splicing, no wiring headaches, no brain drain, no heat issues, no depleted wallet, or erectile dysfunction. These should work on virtually any motorcycle or car that uses H7 bulbs and has the space. We sell single bulbs or in pairs. So there you have it... small, bright, Can-Bus specific, chimp-easy to install, longer lasting erections, and reasonably priced. Bam!

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Revolution ..."You say you got a real solution.. Well, you know - We'd all love to see the plan"
Spotted over at Backroadsusa.com

As small business owners, this song keeps creeping to the front of our minds. It is time to move on! We did all they asked. We flattened the curve. Then they reach for more and more. With no real plan and many states have been turning their backs on the Mom & Pop businesses that made America thrive - yet have embraced the Big Box (Big Donor) stores. You can get your dog groomed, but you can not get a hair cut? We can go to Harbor Freight (thank God), but not next door to Models Sport? This is like being on a 5 hour cross-country flight and, at 4 & half hours when you are excited to land, the pilot comes on the PA and tells it is now 15 hours flight.

We have always avoided politics in the TBR - but some people made this political when it should have been about medical science. It is beginning to seem clear that some states won't stop until they absolutely must. Or, are moved by the people to do so. It is disheartening, and dishonest and the biggest power grab we have seen in our lifetime. Thoreau had a point. "The government is best which governs least."

It is time we are allowed to choose for ourselves. If you want to go to a ball game - then you should be able to go. Make ours a Mets game, please! If you feel unsafe - then stay home. It should be our choice at this point. Isolation is slowly killing us. Alcoholism, suicide, despondency and angst are at levels never seen before. The Beatles had it right all those years ago... And, it's the Beatles doing this live... Don't get much better, does it?



What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. Courtesy of VicS... World renowned bon vivant and former proprietor of I-BMW.com... Check out this ph0to compendium should you want a jaunt through the misty water-colored memories of the "good" years.. I-BMW Smugmug.

2. Here's a nice article from TheMotorcycleObsession.com... How to Keep Your Bike Safe While Traveling.

3. How anyone can ride a motorcycle without a radar detector, I'll never know. I never leave home without mine. This is one accessory that you should not skimp on. That being said, I just got notice of a new radar detector on the market. The REDLINE 360c @ $749.95. Their ad says.. "We didn't raise the bar. We shut it down." Rex Kramer says of it.. "it's the boss, top dog, big cheese, a head honcho, number one." High praise, indeed. Yes that all sounds impressive, but dang... it's expensive.. - The 360c offers 2X the range. 360° directional awareness. 100% stealth. Get ready to REDefine the road" .. and the weight of your wallet. For this price it oughta get you laid. The ultimate Christmas present..

4. Best-Sounding Motorcycles of All Time.. (as seen at MotorcyclistOnline) Raw and thrilling, the sound of combustion is an inextricable part of the appeal of motorcycles. Fuck a bunch of electric bikes. Asked to opine on the best-sounding motorcycles of all time, the staff of the Barber Motorsports Museum in Birmingham, Alabama, was more than happy to wring out their favorites.

5. BMW RECALL : RnineT, 1250 GS, RT, R, RS MODELS BMW has issued a recall for a selection of its most popular models due to an axle problem. The recall affects 440 bikes produced worldwide between 31st October 2019 and 30th January 2020. The defect is reported as: ‘Due to inappropriate materials' characteristics, components may come into contact with the spokes of the rear wheel. This may lead to loss of control over the vehicle, increasing the risk of an accident.’

6. New Garmin Zumo XT GPS Unveiled.. A nav device aimed at adventure riders, finally.

7. Wanna see one of the baddest looking naked bikes on the planet? Sure you do... Just got this teaser from MV Agusta on their new, limited edition.. RUSH 1000. If that doesn't cure erectile dysfunction.. nothing will..

8. Big changes ahead as Harley-Davidson reboots production after coronavirus shutdown, Harley-Davidson is mixing things up. Harley-Davidson has re-started its US production lines, but it’s not business as usual.


What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New Product Alert! We now have the inView Wireless Helmet Brake and Turn Signal System. No on/off switch – you don’t have to remember to turn it on or off. Easily transferable between helmets (2 sets of mounts included) Passive braking (ex. downshifting) detection that illuminates both helmet and motorcycle brake light. Automatic diagnostics that test battery condition and communication. Available in Clear or Red Lenses. Reviews have been off-the-charts positive. The inView even won the prestigious “Best Safety Product AIMExpo” in 2o19! We're waiting for feedback on the first kits we've shipped.

2. Have a problem with "holiness" on your R12RS? We've got the solution. Pyramid Plastics Frame Cap Kits for the R1250RS / R1250R & 2015+ R1200RS LC / R1200R.

3. New Product Alert! We now have the ZTechnik R1250 Engine Guards for the 2019+ BMW R1250RT, GS, RS, R

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

4. New Product Alert! I recently had a customer ask me why I didn't offer any LED CanBus specific headlight bulbs. Simple.. I hadn't found any that were worthy of our site.. I'd seen the Cyclops kits, but wasn't impressed.. Looked around and bam. Placed a large order and now we have CanBus-specific, 55w Watonlight LED bulbs on all our menus EXCEPT the K1600s. ...

5. OK... I relented to the relentless marching of time and the butt-ugly face of reality. I finally got around to removing all the I-BMW How-to links from our world renowned, 20 years in the making.. Pirates Lair How-To Page... It's not that I was apathetic, although a case could be made for that. No.. I just figured that as soon as I remove them, I'll get an email from VicS telling me that he's bored and that he's putting the site back up. It never fails.. Never.. ever. We shall see..

6. Thanks to some much appreciated constructive criticism from one of our customers in the arts and media field, I've started making some changes to our multi-hundred page aging website. Larger fonts, changing fonts, higher-rez pictures, "cleaner" more uniform looking pages, etc etc.. It'll take months to implement these changes, but it was long over due. I should add... I always appreciate constructive criticism...unless it's about my attitude.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

6. New Product Alert! As of 6/15/20, Pirates Lair now carries the Hornig Crash Bar Bags for BMW R1250GS Adventure. They're perfect for spare gloves, face shield, Walther PPK, a kilo of yeyo, or anything else you need easy, quick access to. They are sold as a set (2 bags) for the left and the right side. Honestly, I think they really look cool on the bike. I wish I'd thought of this. The bags install over the tank bracket and are fixed in place with one Velcro fastener. Sleek.. and functional.

7. Drum roll please..... Our latest Stealth Backrest for the BMW R1200RS / R1250RS is finally in stock. Production pieces are in a textured black powder-coated finish unlike the prototype pics circulating on CNN. Cost is a bit less than our other offerings. Like all our other backrests, install is under 10 minutes with standard tools and intellect. The backrest slides on and off the bike in under 10 seconds. No modifications necessary. A one beer job. Get em while they're hot.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

I-BMW / Theriderspace.com Rally Event News : 2020
NOTE: Pirates Lair is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Non-Invitational 2019 DGR Rally: Sept 10th-12th, 2020

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday September 10 checking out Sunday September 13
Reservations: 800-621-1260

T
his year the event will be held in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $109 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $119 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. You can also rent a jacuzzi room with one King bed for $149 a night. (yes, prices went up $10 this year)

Making discounted reservations are good until August 13th and then special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


MISCELLANEOUS / HOW-TO / ARCHIVES

How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps rolling joints, pissing people off on Facebook, and cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution this issue.
Check out.. How-To Change Low Beam Headlight Bulb on K1600GTL. It's apparently easier and cheaper than you think.

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues