"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Each month or so, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 90% of it here. Why only 90%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.
Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.
So it is written.. so let it be done....

Agent Starling rolls up the questionnaire, puts it in Dr Lector's sliding food tray.. pushes it through. He rises, glances at it, turning a page or two disdainfully.

Hannibal: Oh, Officer Starling... do you think you can dissect me with this blunt little tool?
Clarice: No. I only hoped that your knowledge -
Suddenly he whips the tray back at her, with a metallic CLANG that makes her start. His voice remains a pleasant purr.
Hannibal: You're sooo ambitious, aren't you...? You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube. A well-scrubbed, hustling rube with a little taste... Good nutrition has given you some length of bone, but you're not more than one generation from poor white trash, are you -Officer Starling...? That accent you're trying so desperately to shed - pure Virginia. What was your father, dear? Was he a coal miner? Did he stink of lamp...? Did he read the Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter? And oh, how quickly the boys found you! All those tedious, sticky fumblings, in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out. Getting anywhere - yes? Getting all the way - to the F...B...I.
His every word has struck her like a tiny, precise dart. But she squares her jaw and won't give ground.
Clarice: You see a lot, Dr. Lector. But are you strong enough to point that high-powered perception at yourself? How about it...? Look at yourself and write down the truth. (She slams the tray back at him) Or maybe you're afraid to.
Hannibal: You're a tough one, aren't you?
Clarice: Reasonably so. Yes.
Hannibal: And you'd hate to think you were common. My, wouldn't that sting! Well you're far from common, Officer Starling. All you have is the fear of it. Now please excuse me. Good day.
Clarice: And the questionnaire...?
Hannibal: A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti...

Dr. Hannibal Lecter / Anthony Hopkins / Agent Clarice Starling / Jody Foster / The Silence of the Lambs 1991

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

The 5th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally was a major success! Perfect weather....great friends...good food... no crashes... few tickets...and to top it off...the 2 remaining Beatles showed up for a reunion concert with Eric Clapton on guitar and Julian Lennon on vocals. I told you you should have been there! I have posted a few pics in our photo gallery It's the first album.

What's new in the K1200RS/GT News...aka.. the No Wheel-Spin Zone

1. I was just approached by a company that will be producing both Light Smoke and Dark Smoke tinted shields for the Schuberth Helmets. He wanted to know if I was interested in being the exclusive outlet.. He's sending me a sample for evaluation, but it sounds a bit pricey to me. Opinions welcome. Details as follows..
1. These shields will be manufactured in the USA.
2.The medium to light smoke will retail for 80.00. / The dark shield will retail at 87.00.
3. You CAN NOT buy these ANYWHERE

2. Now this is interesting... We were just contacted by my good friends at Rhinewest, Inc Performance in Texas.. makers of the RW Chip. They have a new RW Staintune Chip about to hit the market. As you may or may not know, their current K12RS/GT chips are NOT recommended for the Staintune.. only for the stock, Two Bros, Remus, and the Z Technik exhaust systems. The current K12RS/GT chip ONLY adds a little torque and smooths out the powerband when used with the Staintune but adds virtually no HP. The new chip changes all that. Will post dyno charts as soon as the new chip becomes available. For us Staintune guys.. this IS wet and juicy news...

3. Is your 2003 or 4 K1200RS or GT stumbling at cold start-up.. idling erratically? Poor performance? Erectile dysfunction? Flatulent? There may be a free fix as close as your nearest dealer... Apparently BMW is offering a FREE Remapped ECU which usually costs a whopping $550 to those that request it... it is NOT a recall.
All 2003/2004 K1200RS or GT models produced up to and including April 4,2004 MAY be affected. Only bikes that exhibit the symptoms during cold startup or during initial warmup need the new Motronic to be fitted. Contact your dealer and reference this ECU exchange authorization service number # 13 00204 057 . There's a string on this subject at i-bmw.com @ http://www2.i-bmw.com/ubbthreads/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=technical&Number=57396&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=0&fpart=

4. I just finished a thorough evaluation for the Radar Detector Visual Alert from Marc Parnes The Visual Alert consists of (5) ultra-bright RED LED's that flash alert in concert with your V1 or Passport 8500's normal beep. Unlike other options on the market that rely on in-helmet speakers, screaming external speakers, or battery powered in-helmet lights, the Visual Alert simply plugs directly into the audio outlet of your V1 (optional audio adapter required) or Passport 8500/X-50 with no other wiring necessary. There are no batteries to go dead or complex electronics to worry about.

How did it do? I give it my thumbs up! Worked great.. no probs whatsoever. The only issue at all is that it must be high enough to be in your line-of site.. if it is.. you can't miss it. Will we carry it from our website? No... but only because there is very little profit margin...Retail is $59. These can be purchased directly at http://www.marcparnes.com/ . My suggestion if you order one is to ask for a 2 foot cord. The standard Visual Alert comes with a pitiful 12" which doesn't give much room to play with..

5. Dynojet is about to release a new Power Commander for BMW applications including the K bikes which will be available in January 2005. Suggested retail is $495.. Will this option be better than the time proven RW Chip? Doubtful, IMHO..

6. Verholen of Germany already has accessories for the new S bike..TWO types of "S" Barbacks and a peg lowering kit... Damn that was fast work!!

7. Standard barbacks not good enough for you? Your bike just not LT-ish enough? Don't want to pay the $2000 for Verholens Electric handlbars? There's another butt-ugly .er.. I mean visually challenged alternative at http://www.convertibars.com/ Looks like a good idea.... but... Cost is about $360.

8. I mentioned a few newsletters ago that Escort, makers of the Passport 8500 would be offering upgrades from old 8500's to the new spec X-50 version in Sept.. Well, they have pushed back the date to make these upgrades until March 2005. Why? No idea..Maybe they think we'll get tired of waiting and BUY the X-50. Their # is 888.837.2678 if you want to whine/needle/belittle someone.

2. If you'd like a first look at our upcoming R1200GS Stealth Backrest... This should bring in enough money for me to hire a guy to wax my jet.

3. The price for the Clear Blinker Lenses for the 97-2001 K1200RS has just gone up a second time in 4 months.. Word from the extortionists..er.. manufacturer..."This is necessary because of the higher than anticipated scrap rate, higher material prices and increased touch labor to get the parts to the quality your customers demand." Don't know about you, but it feels like he's f#@&* us because he can.. but what's a Pirate to do? He raises da prices.. I raise da prices... The only good news is.. after 8 months we have finally filled all back-orders (with an astounding 80% going to Germany and Japan!?) and are now taking orders again...If anyone wants to borrow a bit of Astroglide.. send a self address stamped envelope with a small bottle. I have a little left.

4. as Nostradamus prophesied ...As of Oct 1st, the exclusive contract between Staintune and a lone importer (based in California) expired allowing the Australian company to open up the US market to an all new marketing approach. They have officially designated Pirates’ Lair a new US distributor of the entire line of Staintune systems. This should be welcome news for anyone who has considered buying one of these high dollar imported systems but were scared away by the previous criminally high pricing. We are now on equal footing with the previous importer.... Sauce for the goose, Mr Savik. We are currently working on a page offering 'tunes for Aprilia, Ducati, Kawasaki, Moto Guzzi, Suzuki, Triumph, KTM, and Yamaha. Check out the entire product line and new pricing at http://pirateslair.net/Staintuneall.htm FYI.. We have not listed all the bikes yet, but should have the page complete by November 1st,

5. After testing a unit for almost a year I have decided to carry the H.A.R.D. in our product line ... Instead of a blaring speaker or a faint light, the Inside Helmet Visual Alert - a.k.a. H.A.R.D. provides an immediate visual alert: a flashing LED light , inside the helmet that is illuminated within your field of vision allowing immediate recognition of radar. While there are a few downsides to the HARD, as with every other similar product on the market, after 10 months I'm still happy with it's performance and it's saved me from many close encounters of the law kind. The main downside of the HARD, at least with me, is the fact that you MUST remember to turn it off when you get off the bike.. if you don't.. it'll run the watch-type batteries dead.. and it uses TWO of them. I've run through so many that the geeks at the local Radio Shack know me by name....

6. Our R1100R / R850R Stealth Backrests are now available! I designed these as I get asked a lot, but to be honest.. I'm NOT very happy with the visual aesthetics of it and the final cost was far above what we expected.. Yes.. it is functional.. and yes.. it will make the passenger happy.. but it's simply not pretty and/or worthy of the "Stealth" name, IMHO. With that said.. when the first production run is sold.. I'll not produce more.. So there you have it.. it's a limited production item. If you know somebody interested.. speak now or forever hold your piece.

7. Worry about some sorry sunufabeetch stealing your V1 off your bike? Don't we all...Want a way to lock it up?? This note from Aaron E. Zimmerman at http://www.legalspeeding.com/

Steve Asvitt, owner of Hoon Hardware, and I partnered on the MotoLocker at for the LT, RT, and other sport touring bikes (to be added in the future). This generic version is set up for RAM mounting out of the box as well as being attached to a standard shelf. Retail $50, Dealer Cost $35.

Aaron E. Zimmermann
LEGAL SPEEDING / Go Fast, Get H.A.R.D. (Helmet Assisted Radar Detection)

8. Once again we have heard the pleas from the huddling masses and again we deliver.. Our newest Pirates' Lair Tees are in stock!!. These feature the Silver bike with Red Stripes. and like all the other versions.. these are limited edition. Once they are gone, there will be no more produced no matter how many deviant sexual favors involving warm oil and feathers or bags of very expensive, tasty weed are offered.. Unlike previous versions, these are available in LONG SLEEVE only.. and 100% preshrunk cotton... Cost is only $5 paltry dollars more than the short sleeve. It appears they run a little large so order accordingly.

9. Starting Oct 21st...you or your airs will receive a FREE Pirates' Lair Hat with every K12RS/GT exhaust system sold if you ask when ordering! Remus, Staintune, Two Brothers, or ZTechnik...I should not that these hats are babe magnets so if your personality and/or expensive toys aren't effective bait.. these hats should do the trick..... Guaranteed to get you laid more often. Note: The guarantee doesn't apply to married customers.

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2005 /

The 2005 Hill Country Rally has already been scheduled for the following dates... April 7-10, 2005 No other information is available at this time, but I would surmise that it will be in the aging...er.. skillful hands of our friend and former equestrian instructor for Christopher Reeves.. Barry Gibbs. Stay tuned..

The BRPR 2005 is Set !!!! (info provided by the inestimable Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR)
Where: Peaks of Otter 1-800-542-5927 Blue Ridge Parkway, mile post 86
When: May 12-15 (Thur-Sun) First night deposit required ($ 94.17, 2004 rates, No change expected for 2005.)
We have all 63 rooms (62 now) held until April 1st, 2005. After April 1st, all non-reserved rooms go public. Mention BMW Motorcycle Group to reserve your room. Other lodging available in Bedford, Va: Super 8 and /or Days Inn

Summer Solstice Rally, Northeast (from the quasi-esteemed Mike Cousino at www.I-BMW.com)
Okay the place and date is set for Camp Meade on Friday and Saturday, June 10th and 11th, 2005. They have twenty rooms. Some are their own cottages. Some are double, with two separate rooms to one cottage. Each room/cottage has their own bath. There are no cots so don't ask to put extra people in a room. I would ask the the single riders pair up and share a room/cottage with another person as space is limited.
Prices are:
Dbl = $63, there are eleven of these
2- Dbls = $73, there are eight of these
For reservations or additional information telephone:
Camp Meade @ (802) 223-5537 / Refer to BMW group

The 6th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge in 2005, Sept 29th-Oct 1st to be precise. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! No sign-up sheet yet. Just reserve a room and be there! Most of us from this year already have a room, so it's not too soon to plan.
(info provided by the quasi-esteemed moto-god...Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR) Glad to know that besides Bill O'Reilly.. someone else is looking out for us.. Thanks Tim.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and I'll add it on.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so shave your legs.